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All.Things.Bob.

I am Bob. I am in a constant state of disgust. My house is filled with stupid cats….and a hedgehog.

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November 28, 2017November 28, 2017 Bob

BREAKING NEWS: Interlopers!

November 27, 2017November 28, 2017 Bob

Bob and the Hedgehog

October 7, 2017 Bob

Bob’s List of 5 Good Things

October 6, 2017 Bob

It’s Good To Be King

October 5, 2017October 5, 2017 Bob

My new office…

May 23, 2017May 23, 2017 Bob

Remembering Jimmy today

May 22, 2017 Bob

3 Things To Do If Your Meditation Time Is Rudely Interrupted

May 21, 2017May 20, 2017 Bob

On the day Bob was born…

May 20, 2017May 20, 2017 Bob

Bob loves his new cool cat carrier

May 19, 2017May 19, 2017 Bob

Seriously?

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⁣⁣⁣ Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I’ ⁣⁣⁣ Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I’m going to say something that you will find shocking. I crapped on the floor today and I’m not mad about it either. I know the woman has been busy with the vile beasts but I matter, too. I tried to be helpful and patient as she tended to Georgie and Gracie. Do you know how hard that was for me? I also did my share of giving the woman loud purrs and twirling around her feet. I even batted my eyes at her trying to tell her I love her. You know what I got? Nothing. Oh, she gave me a few pats on my head but that is not appropriate considering the amount of work I’ve done this week. She’s treating me like I’m one of the vile beasts. ⁣ ⁣ So, I proclaimed my complete aggravation the best way I know how. I have never ever crapped in the floor before. But some situations call for extreme crappage activity. I think she may be figuring it out. She came to find me. I was in my satellite office working on my book. I completely ignored her and walked away as you can see in the video. I will accept her apology if she ever gives me one. But I will give her the cold shoulder for a bit longer. ⁣ ⁣ Lots of you have been asking about Gracie and Georgie. Both have cooperated in taking their medicine. Gracie is doing much better! Georgie’s eye still looks weird. We are keeping a close watch on him. ⁣ ⁣ I’m going to retreat back into my satellite office to finish out the day. I hope you all are having a fabulous Friday. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
⁣⁣ Dearest Miss Gracie,⁣ I’m sorry you had ⁣⁣ Dearest Miss Gracie,⁣ I’m sorry you had such a rough day yesterday. You certainly scared the bejeezuz out of the woman when she came home after taking Georgie to the vet. There you were with your bed covered in blood and you trying to pee. She knew immediately what was wrong and scooped you up and took you to the vet. ⁣ ⁣ Gracie, you have a urinary tract infection. That’s a fancy way of saying you have Piss Ants. (The woman says I shouldn’t use the word piss. But it’s in the Bible so I think it’s okay to use it.)⁣ ⁣ Piss Ants are vile, especially when they start chewing away your insides. The only way to get rid of them is to take the medicine Dr Mark gave you. Now I know you are not a fan of medicine and fought the woman because you are a total bad ass. (I said “ass”...it’s ok...it’s in the Bible...Google it.) But she is also a bad ass and is determined to get the medicine inside of you. So please let your bad assness go and take the dang medicine. ⁣ ⁣ I hope you will cooperate and feel better soon...so the woman will start paying attention to me. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
⁣⁣Dearest Georgie P. Puddinandpie,⁣ I am gla ⁣⁣Dearest Georgie P. Puddinandpie,⁣ I am glad you went to see Dr Evan today. Although I must say, you certainly put on a show before you left the house with the woman. What on earth was wrong with you? Hissing, growling and even biting the woman! Your conduct was seriously vile. I know you were nervous but why take it out on her, for Pete’s sake? Have you ever known her to do something that wasn’t in our best interest? You have been the vilest of vile today, Georgie. ⁣ ⁣ Surprisingly, you were the perfect gentleman once you got to the doc’s office. In fact, the woman said you didn’t even make a sound while you were there. Also, I’m very pleased you did not crap your pants. I was concerned that Sammy had set a precedent that you would follow. Thankfully your crap stayed right where it belongs and not in your pants. ⁣ ⁣ Now I need to prepare you for the fact that Dr Evan sent you home with eye drops. You are going to have to suck it up and let the woman put them in your eye. No more of this acting like a vile feral cat business. You are 16 years old...an elder statesman of this house. You must set a dignified example for your peers. Otherwise I fear your actions may be setting us up for anarchy...and nobody has time for that. ⁣ ⁣ Overall I think this has been a good day...as long as you comply with the administering of eye drops. One tip I might share is that if you agree to the drops and look terribly pitiful, the woman will surely give you a treat and your butt a thorough scratching. Seems like it would be worth it to cooperate. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
⁣⁣ Dearest Georgie P Puddinandpie,⁣ ⁣ As y ⁣⁣ Dearest Georgie P Puddinandpie,⁣ ⁣ As you are aware, the woman has been freaking out because you don’t seem to be doing well. Even though you finished all your medication, you’re still sick. As a result, the woman is going to take you to see Dr Evan tomorrow. Now I know you loved Dr Allie but she is out of town. Trust me, you will like Dr Evan. He speaks cat. I know it’s hard to believe but he really is a human who speaks our language. I do need to make you aware that he probably will whip out his disgusting thermometer, so please be forewarned. ⁣ ⁣ To help you prepare for your appointment, I’ve put together a few tips:⁣ ⁣ 1. Try your best not to crap your pants on the way to the appointment. Doing so will just make everyone think you are terribly ill. Take care of business before you leave the house. ⁣ ⁣ 2. To optimize sympathy from the people at the vet’s office, make sure you wail at the top of your lungs and talk with any and every person who comes near you. ⁣ ⁣ 3. If you look pitiful enough, they will give you treats and possibly rub your ears and belly. Start practicing your innocent look right now. ⁣ ⁣ 4. Cooperate if they want you to pee in a cup. I have no idea why humans like to have us do that but don’t fight it. You will not win. ⁣ ⁣ 5. And finally, as a last resort, if you become too frightened simply bury your head in the woman’s armpit. You will become invisible and they will not be able to see you. ⁣ ⁣ Please let me know if you have questions about these tips or would like to discuss. I hope you feel better soon because I need the woman to start focusing on me again. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ Thank you Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ Thank you all for the kind comments about me being sick. I'm feeling better...I will be honest, though...I felt pretty puny over the weekend. I must give credit to the woman. She put everything aside and focused on me instead of the vile beasts or her ridiculous house "refresh". It was so wonderful and much deserved...even if I do say so myself. I was actually kind of glad to see her leave for work today because I was starting to get tired of being fussed over...can you even imagine that???⁣ ⁣ Now I must get back to managing my house...which is a job for 5 people. I hope I am up for it this week. Firstly, I fear I am going to need to have some sort of intervention with Miss Elizabeth Taylor and her obsession with showing everyone her junk. Also, I have a coaching meeting with Harry Connick Junior Graves III...he may very well be the vilest of all the vile beasts. I have my work cut out for me with him. Another thing I'm focusing on is Georgie Porgie Puddinandpie. If you recall, he has been very stressed over his two best friends passing away (Buzzy and Coco). He became very sick and had to go to the doctor. He was doing a lot better but now he's acting sickly again so I have advised the woman that she must contact the doctor right away. I will continue to monitor the situation. And then, finally, I must figure out which box of all the boxes delivered is the most effective for my office needs. I would much rather be focused on the last item but I have to put the others first...because I'm just so dang humble and all.⁣ ⁣ I will keep you all updated and, again, thank you for being my friend. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
⁣⁣ Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ I h ⁣⁣ Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ I hope your Saturday is going well. I have to be honest...I feel like a steaming pile of poo today. For those of you who may not know, I suffer from inflammatory bowel disease. I eat special foods and get medicine. But even with all of that, sometimes I have a flare up. Today is one of those days. I will be okay just need to sleep...and I really need Elizabeth Taylor to keep her junk out of my face!⁣ ⁣ The good news is that I’m getting lots of kisses and belly rubs from the woman. The belly rubs feel extra good because that’s where I hurt. We are cuddling and watching tv today. Just what the doctor ordered. ⁣ ⁣ Hopefully I can get back to normal tomorrow! ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
⁣ Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ Happy Frid ⁣ Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ Happy Friday! We made it! Thank goodness this crappy week is behind us. ⁣ ⁣ As an update, as of 4:30 PM EST, no boxes have been delivered. The woman said I must be patient because sometimes we do not get deliveries until close to 8:00 PM. ⁣ ⁣ In my effort to not think about it, I had a meeting with the vile beasts. I am ashamed to say that I lost my cool during the meeting. I was trying to explain to Freddy that he needs to aim inside the litter box instead of climbing into the box and aiming his stuff for the floor. I just lost it when he kept saying “but it just is so freeing to pee on the floor”...some days I just need them all to shut up...and well...I kind of told them what they could do with their crappy attitudes. The woman told me I need to go tell them that I’m sorry for being unprofessional. She said I scared them and hurt Elizabeth Taylor’s delicate ears. Ugh...being the only intelligent one in the house is so draining sometimes. ⁣ ⁣ With that, I’m going to go meditate so I can gain the strength to ask the disgusting vile beasts for forgiveness. ⁣ ⁣ I hope you all have a cozy and relaxing Friday evening!⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
⁣ Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ I hope ⁣ Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ I hope this message finds you well. I’m afraid I’ve got bad news to report. I’m not going to try to sugarcoat it...I’m extremely disgusted. The woman promised that Amazon would be delivering several boxes for my evaluation yesterday. I was so anxious to move into a new office and have my own space once again. A writer such as myself needs solitude to work on their art. I sat in the window the entire day watching for the delivery truck. You guessed it...no Amazon truck, no deliveries, no boxes, no nothing. ⁣ ⁣ I believe in holding people accountable and, as a result, I demanded that the woman explain why she did not deliver on her promise to me. She hemmed and hawed and then finally said “Bob, I misread the order confirmation. Everything will be delivered on Friday instead of today. You just have to wait a little while longer.” And then she went on her merry way...looking at her Pinterest boards, Home Decor Instagram accounts and drinking her Venti Soy Latte. Have you ever heard of anything as sloppy and vile as that?⁣ ⁣ Could I possibly mean so little to her? First she threw my office in the recycling bin and now this. There are simply no words to express my disgust. ⁣ ⁣ She’s trying to kiss up to me by saying “Oh Bob! We’re supposed to get a snowstorm tonight! Let’s have a fuzzy sock night and watch movies.” Uh, that would be a big NO from me, woman. No fuzzy sock nights until I get an office. I have never been one to withhold my affection to get what I want but...desperate times call for desperate measures. She’ll be sitting on the sofa drinking her hot chocolate alone tonight. That will show her. ⁣ ⁣ I am going to go find a quiet spot where Elizabeth Taylor cannot find me to stick her junk in my face. I need to meditate and recite some affirmations in order to destress. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ I am excit Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ I am excited to declare that we have made it to Wednesday. I think I’m on to something with this whole “Kick Monday to the Curb” idea. I’ve noticed when I show Monday that I’m the boss, the entire week seems to go by quickly. I’m going to continue researching my thesis and will report back on my findings. ⁣ ⁣ Today I am excited because the woman said the Amazon delivery guy will be bringing a couple of boxes by for my consideration. He hasn’t been here yet, but I’m anxiously awaiting his arrival. I seriously need an office that suits my style and writing needs. Please keep your fingers crossed that this will be the day I can move into a new, just-for-me space. ⁣ ⁣ I so want to finish my book. I’m at a critical point in the writing process and have been 100% laser focused on it today. Well, that may be an exaggeration because Miss Elizabeth Taylor continually interrupts me with her trashiness. In the past hour she has attempted to put her junk in my face three times. Why does she do that? Miss Elsie doesn’t do it and neither does Miss Holly Berry. She is such a despicable hussy. ⁣ ⁣ Unfortunately I must now get back to work. I hope this time tomorrow I can share news of a new office and possibly give you a tour!⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest Mr Oliver Eugene Graves III,⁣ ⁣ As you Dearest Mr Oliver Eugene Graves III,⁣ ⁣ As you may be aware, I am donating my time to counsel the vile beasts in my house. My goal is to decrease the level of vileness I must contend with on a daily basis. ⁣ ⁣ First, let me say, I’m coming from a place of...well...not love because you are vile but...I guess if I’m honest I’m coming from a place of SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!!!! Dude, you bark non-stop to get the woman’s attention. Stop it! Stop it now! Why can’t you be cool like Miss Gracie? She only barks when the doorbell rings. If the woman gets up to turn a light on you bark as though you are dying. This is separation anxiety on steroids. ⁣ ⁣ To help with this situation, I have created the following plan for you. First, I have instructed the woman to begin giving you CBD oil again. It worked once before. I am praying to God in heaven it works again. ⁣ ⁣ Secondly, you have some responsibility in this effort. When you get the urge to bark for no apparent reason, shove a sock in your mouth, bury your face in a pillow or possibly lick something. Dogs are always licking stuff. Focus on that to get your mind off of your obnoxious yelling. ⁣ ⁣ And, finally, please write the following statement 5073 times daily: I will shove a sock in my mouth the next time I get the urge to bark. ⁣ ⁣ I will check on your progress next week. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
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