Bob headshotDearest Friends,

I fear that the time is near for me to execute an intervention for the woman.  The problem is deeply rooted in her DNA but I must find a way to help her or I fear there will be no hope for me…uh…I mean her.

The problem is multifaceted…first, there’s the house filled with vile beasts that I…uhm…again, I mean, she must tend to every day.  The litter boxes alone are enough to drive a person insane.  Someone is always creating disgusting messes or getting their hairy fur all over the place.  And, the amount of my money that is spent every week on food…to feed their lazy behinds…is astronomical.  If I have to pay to feed them, the least they could do is go get jobs to help with the expense.

Then she became addicted to April the Giraffe and the baby that did not want to come out.  For a while there I thought I had lost the woman for good…she had the Giraffecam live streaming into my kitchen, my living room, my bedroom and my office.  Plus, she would sneak and watch it at night when she was supposed to be sleeping.  And, don’t even get me started about the day the baby was born and the week following…I could not get the woman’s attention no matter what I did because she had her nose stuck in front of a television watching the babycam.  Thankfully, that is now behind us.

But last night was the icing on the cake. The woman leaves food out for strays…you know…that’s how I found her. She was getting ready to set some food out when this little criminal made an appearance.

raccoon Now the woman is all worried about this new type of vile beast…I can tell he’s a shady character.  I must put my paw down…NO MORE DISGUSTING VILE BEASTS in our house. None!  I must find some sort of rehab for her.  Is there such a thing as Vile Beast Anonymous?  I am going to clear my schedule to begin researching this for time is running out if there is to be any hope for me, I mean, her to survive this mad addiction.

If anyone has had any success in vile beast detox, please let me know.

Very truly yours,

Bob the Writer



  1. Bob, wish I knew of an antidote to your woman’s issue with vile beasts! I’d take some of it too. There isn’t a meowing critter out there that I don’t want to pet!

  2. Bob she must realize that this is a vile beast this adorable bandit even wears a mask. She must realize he’s a criminal of the worst sort, lock the doors and window Bob and hide all the food she cannot feed him if she cannot find the food

  3. Oh Bob, that particular “vile beast” can fend for itself quite nicely. Plus it wouldn’t be a nice indoor guest. Tell the woman to not encourage it to stick around by leaving food out and unattended. It will soon enough get the point and move on to other sources of food.

  4. Aw but dear Bob she loves to the moon and back. Thank goodness she has such a wonderful heart or just think you might not have found her. She has such a beautiful soul to find all of you and take care of all the vile beasts. I see why she fell in love with you, you are so handsome, hardly any could compare. Don’t worry your in good standing and dignity will still be intact

  5. Bob, hopefully you’ll be able to convince her anything that wears a mask cannot be trusted. But what is she to do about feeding the strays? Tell her to get a big stick and run out screaming (when the bandit is there) like a banshee and it might run and not come back. That’s what my Grandaughter did and I haven’t seen a masked bandit since.

  6. But seriously, Bob, we all wear masks of sorts. She’s helping the homeless, the lost, the needy. I give her cudo’s for her courage. Don’t forget….You’re #1 on her list…You will always be protected!!!

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