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I am Bob. I am in a constant state of disgust. My house is filled with stupid cats….and a hedgehog.

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bobthewritingcat

Get a cat who can do it all. 😸 #dollypartonchal

Get a cat who can do it all. 😸 #dollypartonchallenge

Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ Today I though

Dearest friends on the internet,⁣
Today I thought I would introduce you to probably the most daring fashion icon that has ever lived in my house. He now lives in heaven but still holds a very important place in my household. Ladies and gentlemen please meet Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III. Now I’m sure your first question is going to be about his name. Let’s just say the Senator was a simple man. So simple, in fact, he did things like lick the wall, bark like a seal and sometimes even walk in slow motion. The woman was worried that the other cats would make fun of him so she gave him a very sophisticated name. I’m not so sure that it helped but nevertheless, the Senator was happy and I guess that’s all that matters.⁣
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One of the Senator’s tendencies was to let it rip wherever he was at the moment his brain told him he needed to go to the bathroom. The woman had him checked by the vet and there was nothing physically wrong. The Senator’s poor little brain just could not tell him that before he let it rip he needed to be inside the litter box. So, the only solution was for him to wear diapers. I personally was appalled at the idea. However, the Senator loved his diapers. He would proudly jump up on the bed when it was time for a diaper change and go strutting through the house with his head held high, twisting his little hiney as fast as it would go so everyone would see him in his fancy pants. This led the woman to try other pieces of clothing. She soon discovered he also loved wearing shirts and hats. So the Senator became the woman’s very own little dress up doll and he loved every minute of it.⁣
⁣
Like many politicians, the Senator was embroiled in scandal and controversy over the years but the woman loved him so very much. She was heartbroken when he had to go to heaven and still thinks of him all the time. The Senator was the vilest of vile beasts and required my oversight constantly but even I miss him some days. I suppose even vile beasts can worm their way into your heart. ⁣
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Very truly your,⁣
Bob⁣

Dearest Miss Holly Berry,⁣ As you may have heard

Dearest Miss Holly Berry,⁣
As you may have heard through the rumor mill, as part of my 2020 goals I will be providing free coaching and mentoring to each of the vile beasts in the house. I have previously conducted sessions with Frankie and your littermate/brother, Mr Buddy Holly. You are next and I would like to have a discussion with you today about my observations.⁣
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Miss Holly, all in all I think you are a very nice vile beast. You are very much a lady and not trashy at all like some of the people in this house. You are what is known as a tortoise shell kitty. They are usually girls and have a reputation of being, shall we say, cranky and bossy. While many of your fellow Torties can be difficult, you are very quiet and pleasant. You stay very close to your brother and rarely cause any trouble. If I had a houseful of vile beasts like you, my life would be a lot easier. But there is one thing I would like to counsel you on.⁣
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I am going to try to put this as delicately as I can as I do not want to hurt your feelings or diminish your self-esteem. Holly, you have what is known as “resting bish face”. Although you are very nice and kind, you always have a look on your face as though you may be the Unibomber. When I first met you I got a little scared because I thought you were potentially plotting my death. I really don’t think you realize how mad you look the majority of the time and think you would make a lot more friends if you would consider modifying your demeanor.⁣
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To help you I have put together a few affirmations that I would like for you to repeat every single day. I think this will help you feel far more confident and realize that your face and personality can both reflect the non-trashy lady that you are. ⁣
⁣
Please repeat each affirmation 17 times each day:⁣
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I smile because I am not a vile bish. ⁣
I smile every day because I am not the Unibomber. ⁣
I smile because I’m good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me.⁣
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I will check in with you next week to see how things are going.⁣
⁣
Very truly yours,⁣
Bob⁣

Quick!!! Everyone run for cover!!! Hide!!! Since t

Quick!!! Everyone run for cover!!! Hide!!! Since the woman has been home sick she got out her knitting needles and yarn. She’s knitting hats for the vile beasts! Poor Oliver is her first victim. She used the excuse that it’s so cold outside and he shivers so badly when she takes him out to use the bathroom. Uhm...I have a feeling he’d rather freeze his ninnies off than to wear this hat. ⁣
⁣
If anyone is looking for me I will be laying low...uh...I mean, working on my book in my office. I don’t want to be her next victim. ⁣
⁣
Very truly yours,⁣
Bob⁣

Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ As you can see

Dearest friends on the internet,⁣
As you can see, Miss Elizabeth Taylor continues to conduct herself in an unbecoming manner. Poor Georgie P Puddinandpie was helpless in defending himself against her wiles. I'm starting to think once a hussy, always a hussy.⁣
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I'm concerned that Georgie may need therapy after this. Please keep him in your prayers.⁣
⁣
Very truly yours,⁣
Bob⁣
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Dearest friends on the Internet,⁣ Never let it b

Dearest friends on the Internet,⁣
Never let it be said that I am not able to admit when I have made a mistake. Many of you chastised me yesterday for making the woman clean up our yard because it was cold and raining. In my defense, I thought she had enough sense to know to come in out of the rain but...alas, she did not. She worked through the rain storm and, as you have probably guessed, is now sick. ⁣
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You would not believe the sneezing, nose blowing, groaning and whining we are enduring. And the coughing...my goodness! I’m concerned she may cough up a lung or two. ⁣
⁣
The good news is that my yard looks fabulous! The bad news is that I fear we will have to endure the drama of her illness for days. I have assigned Miss Elsie Fallulah Graves and Joey Cartwright Graves III to lay on top of her to purr and hopefully vibrate the cooties away. Fingers are crossed that works!⁣
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Wherever you are in the world I hope you are well and haven’t yet started thinking about the fact that tomorrow is Monday. ⁣
⁣
Very truly yours,⁣
Bob⁣
⁣

Dearest woman,⁣ It has come to my attention that

Dearest woman,⁣
It has come to my attention that our yard is a mess. I opted to ignore it as we were preparing for the holidays but Santa has come and gone. There are still leaves to be raked and flower beds to be cleared. Today is Saturday and you have nothing else to do so...chop chop! Let’s get moving. I will assist by sitting here in the doorway to supervise your work. This will ensure you do not dilly dally given your tendency to be a slacker. I will let you know when it’s time to come rub my belly...uh...I mean, time for you to rest. ⁣
⁣
Thank you in advance for your efforts. ⁣
⁣
Very truly yours,⁣
Bob⁣
⁣

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⁣⁣⁣⁣ Dearest friends on the internet,⁣
Do you know what really chaps my behind? It's when the woman is standing here rubbing my back and telling me how much she loves me but is also rubbing the back of one of the vile beasts with her other hand at the same time. Right.In.Front.Of.My.Face! Does she think I can't see it? I mean seriously, how rude? Here's a novel concept, woman... #LoveTheOneYoureWith ⁣
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Yes, I am still very angry with her. The vast majority of you told me to forgive her but I'm just not there yet. Everything she's doing today is getting on my last nerve. I am going to go barricade myself in my office to hopefully meditate my way out of my devastation.⁣
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Very truly yours,⁣
Bob⁣
⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣
#catstagram #catsoftheworld #catsofig #catloversclub #catsofinstagram #instacats #cats #catslife #catsoftheday #catsrule #animallovers #petstagram #adoptdontshop #rescuepetsofinstagram #buzzfeedanimals #dailydoseofcute #thedodo #ilovecats #catsoninstagram #catsgram #igcats #catsofworld #allthingsbob ⁣⁣⁣

Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I am so disapp

Dearest friends on the internet,⁣
I am so disappointed in the woman. There simply are no words in the English language to describe my level of hurt, pain and sadness. ⁣
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Tuesday was like every other day...the woman got up, dressed, fed the vile beasts and myself. She left for work as usual. I went about my day as I normally do...writing and wrangling the vile beasts. I was so excited for the woman to come home! I had a wonderful fuzzy sock night planned...the woman in her pjs and fuzzy socks, the fireplace roaring and me in her lap getting back rubs, kisses and being adored. ⁣
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At the end of the day, I heard the door open at the normal time and went running downstairs to greet her. It was then I discovered not the woman...but the pet sitter instead. The woman had gone out of town without discussing it with me first as she normally does. She simply left with no regard to my feelings and assumed that I would tend the vile beasts. Could I possibly mean so little to her? I had no idea where she had gone or when she was coming back. ⁣
⁣
Needless to say, Tuesday night was long and lonely. Wednesday finally arrived and I was so lost and sad. I stared out the window most of the day and crooned “Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone”...wondering if/when she’d come back. ⁣
⁣
She finally pulled into the driveway at 4:30 pm. When I saw her I was relieved and angry at the same time. All night I refused to even be in the same room with her. I haven’t decided if I will forgive her. I think she has a lot of explaining to do but not now...I’m too mad. ⁣
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When she woke me up this morning, she tried to kiss me but I refused. I did, however, allow her to scratch my head. But I did give her some side eye. ⁣
⁣
What do you think? Should I forgive her?⁣
⁣
Very truly yours,⁣
Bob⁣
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⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣
#catstagram #catsoftheworld #catsofig #catloversclub #catsofinstagram #instacats #cats #catslife #catsoftheday #catsrule #animallovers #petstagram #adoptdontshop #rescuepetsofinstagram #buzzfeedanimals #dailydoseofcute #thedodo #ilovecats #catsoninstagram #catsgram #igcats #catsofworld #allthingsbob ⁣⁣⁣

Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I trust your T

Dearest friends on the internet,⁣
I trust your Tuesday is going well. It is a dark and rainy day here and all of the vile beasts are sleeping. I have barricaded myself in my office in order to get some work done on my book. I am hopeful the beasts will remain asleep and not intrude on my solitude and thinking time. ⁣
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In other news, Samuel L Jackson Graves III acquiesced and allowed the woman to administer his medication last night. I am thrilled that my stern admonishment and serious threat of a fresh can of whoop ass convinced him to cooperate. Who knows if the woman will be able to get it in him this morning. But we know at least last night he got the medicine he needs. ⁣
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Well, I must get back to my very important writing. Today I’m tackling my thoughts on the controversial debate between butt scratches vs catnip for achieving maximum nirvana. Personally I’m a butt scratch man myself. There’s nothing as good as having the woman scratching my tush as we bond. Nip just gives me a headache. I would love to hear your thoughts as part of my research. ⁣
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Very truly yours,⁣
Bob⁣
⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣
#catstagram #catsoftheworld #catsofig #catloversclub #catsofinstagram #instacats #cats #catslife #catsoftheday #catsrule #animallovers #petstagram #adoptdontshop #rescuepetsofinstagram #buzzfeedanimals #dailydoseofcute #thedodo #ilovecats #catsoninstagram #catsgram #igcats #catsofworld #allthingsbob ⁣⁣⁣

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