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I am Bob. I am in a constant state of disgust. My house is filled with stupid cats….and a hedgehog.

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Category: Advice

November 27, 2017November 28, 2017 Bob

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Do Not Be Mean!

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I need some advice.

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Dearest friends on the internet,⁣⁣ Everyone in Dearest friends on the internet,⁣⁣ Everyone in our house is very quiet today. Nobody is eating much and the vile beasts are all very subdued. Losing a member of the tribe is sad even though we know he’s still with us. We can sense how busted up the woman is and it makes us sad. ⁣ ⁣ Buzzy’s best friend was Georgie P Puddinandpie. They were inseparable and both tried so hard to look and be just like me. Since Buzzy left us, Georgie has been following me around everywhere I go. Normally that would aggravate me to no end. But for right now, I am having patience with Georgie and letting him hang with me. I just hope he doesn’t intend to make this a permanent thing. I have work to do and I will not be able to have him slowing me down or cramping my style. ⁣ ⁣ I hope all of you are having a wonderful Sunday. Please try very hard to not think about the fact that Monday is just a few hours away. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours, ⁣ Bob⁣
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ We are all ver Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ We are all very sad this morning. Our Buzzy Randolph Graves III passed away in his sleep last night. The woman found him this morning. Buzzy was an older fella...17 years old. I guess he was just ready to check out life on the other side. I always felt sorry for him because he tried so hard to look and be like me. Of course it was a waste of his time to even try, but he gave it all he had. ⁣ ⁣ The woman is gutted. I wish I could get her to understand that we never leave our family. We stay with you and watch over you forever. I’ve been trying to explain to her that Buzzy is still here but she just can’t comprehend it. ⁣ ⁣ I suppose I will now forgive the woman for all of the things she did this week that hurt my feelings. (I still think she is potentially a serial killer, but we can discuss that another time.) For now, I’m going to sit on her lap and purr her back to happiness. ⁣ ⁣ Rest In Peace, Buzzy. We will see you on the other side, my friend. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob⁣
Dear friends on the internet,⁣ I am extremely di Dear friends on the internet,⁣ I am extremely disgusted today. I want to file a formal complaint but I’m not sure who to contact. Last night the woman stepped on me with her big, boxy, man-like feet. Can you believe that? Yes, I was laying in the middle of the floor in a completely dark room. And, no I wasn’t hurt physically at all. But please answer me this...what KIND of person walks into a dark room and decides to NOT turn on the light so she can avoid stepping on her soulmate and crushing his heart forever? Probably a serial killer, that’s who! ⁣ ⁣ I am once again devastated that she could be thoughtless and I am refusing to have any communication with her until future notice. ⁣ ⁣ If anyone needs me, I will be in my office trying to work through my pain. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob⁣
Get a cat who can do it all. 😸 #dollypartonchal Get a cat who can do it all. 😸 #dollypartonchallenge
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ Today I though Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ Today I thought I would introduce you to probably the most daring fashion icon that has ever lived in my house. He now lives in heaven but still holds a very important place in my household. Ladies and gentlemen please meet Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III. Now I’m sure your first question is going to be about his name. Let’s just say the Senator was a simple man. So simple, in fact, he did things like lick the wall, bark like a seal and sometimes even walk in slow motion. The woman was worried that the other cats would make fun of him so she gave him a very sophisticated name. I’m not so sure that it helped but nevertheless, the Senator was happy and I guess that’s all that matters.⁣ ⁣ One of the Senator’s tendencies was to let it rip wherever he was at the moment his brain told him he needed to go to the bathroom. The woman had him checked by the vet and there was nothing physically wrong. The Senator’s poor little brain just could not tell him that before he let it rip he needed to be inside the litter box. So, the only solution was for him to wear diapers. I personally was appalled at the idea. However, the Senator loved his diapers. He would proudly jump up on the bed when it was time for a diaper change and go strutting through the house with his head held high, twisting his little hiney as fast as it would go so everyone would see him in his fancy pants. This led the woman to try other pieces of clothing. She soon discovered he also loved wearing shirts and hats. So the Senator became the woman’s very own little dress up doll and he loved every minute of it.⁣ ⁣ Like many politicians, the Senator was embroiled in scandal and controversy over the years but the woman loved him so very much. She was heartbroken when he had to go to heaven and still thinks of him all the time. The Senator was the vilest of vile beasts and required my oversight constantly but even I miss him some days. I suppose even vile beasts can worm their way into your heart. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly your,⁣ Bob⁣
Dearest Miss Holly Berry,⁣ As you may have heard Dearest Miss Holly Berry,⁣ As you may have heard through the rumor mill, as part of my 2020 goals I will be providing free coaching and mentoring to each of the vile beasts in the house. I have previously conducted sessions with Frankie and your littermate/brother, Mr Buddy Holly. You are next and I would like to have a discussion with you today about my observations.⁣ ⁣ Miss Holly, all in all I think you are a very nice vile beast. You are very much a lady and not trashy at all like some of the people in this house. You are what is known as a tortoise shell kitty. They are usually girls and have a reputation of being, shall we say, cranky and bossy. While many of your fellow Torties can be difficult, you are very quiet and pleasant. You stay very close to your brother and rarely cause any trouble. If I had a houseful of vile beasts like you, my life would be a lot easier. But there is one thing I would like to counsel you on.⁣ ⁣ I am going to try to put this as delicately as I can as I do not want to hurt your feelings or diminish your self-esteem. Holly, you have what is known as “resting bish face”. Although you are very nice and kind, you always have a look on your face as though you may be the Unibomber. When I first met you I got a little scared because I thought you were potentially plotting my death. I really don’t think you realize how mad you look the majority of the time and think you would make a lot more friends if you would consider modifying your demeanor.⁣ ⁣ To help you I have put together a few affirmations that I would like for you to repeat every single day. I think this will help you feel far more confident and realize that your face and personality can both reflect the non-trashy lady that you are. ⁣ ⁣ Please repeat each affirmation 17 times each day:⁣ ⁣ I smile because I am not a vile bish. ⁣ I smile every day because I am not the Unibomber. ⁣ I smile because I’m good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me.⁣ ⁣ I will check in with you next week to see how things are going.⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob⁣
Quick!!! Everyone run for cover!!! Hide!!! Since t Quick!!! Everyone run for cover!!! Hide!!! Since the woman has been home sick she got out her knitting needles and yarn. She’s knitting hats for the vile beasts! Poor Oliver is her first victim. She used the excuse that it’s so cold outside and he shivers so badly when she takes him out to use the bathroom. Uhm...I have a feeling he’d rather freeze his ninnies off than to wear this hat. ⁣ ⁣ If anyone is looking for me I will be laying low...uh...I mean, working on my book in my office. I don’t want to be her next victim. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob⁣
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ As you can see Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ As you can see, Miss Elizabeth Taylor continues to conduct herself in an unbecoming manner. Poor Georgie P Puddinandpie was helpless in defending himself against her wiles. I'm starting to think once a hussy, always a hussy.⁣ ⁣ I'm concerned that Georgie may need therapy after this. Please keep him in your prayers.⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob⁣ ⁣
Dearest friends on the Internet,⁣ Never let it b Dearest friends on the Internet,⁣ Never let it be said that I am not able to admit when I have made a mistake. Many of you chastised me yesterday for making the woman clean up our yard because it was cold and raining. In my defense, I thought she had enough sense to know to come in out of the rain but...alas, she did not. She worked through the rain storm and, as you have probably guessed, is now sick. ⁣ ⁣ You would not believe the sneezing, nose blowing, groaning and whining we are enduring. And the coughing...my goodness! I’m concerned she may cough up a lung or two. ⁣ ⁣ The good news is that my yard looks fabulous! The bad news is that I fear we will have to endure the drama of her illness for days. I have assigned Miss Elsie Fallulah Graves and Joey Cartwright Graves III to lay on top of her to purr and hopefully vibrate the cooties away. Fingers are crossed that works!⁣ ⁣ Wherever you are in the world I hope you are well and haven’t yet started thinking about the fact that tomorrow is Monday. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob⁣ ⁣
Dearest woman,⁣ It has come to my attention that Dearest woman,⁣ It has come to my attention that our yard is a mess. I opted to ignore it as we were preparing for the holidays but Santa has come and gone. There are still leaves to be raked and flower beds to be cleared. Today is Saturday and you have nothing else to do so...chop chop! Let’s get moving. I will assist by sitting here in the doorway to supervise your work. This will ensure you do not dilly dally given your tendency to be a slacker. I will let you know when it’s time to come rub my belly...uh...I mean, time for you to rest. ⁣ ⁣ Thank you in advance for your efforts. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob⁣ ⁣
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