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I am Bob. I am in a constant state of disgust. My house is filled with stupid cats….and a hedgehog.

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Category: Sad

October 6, 2017 Bob

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Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ Happy Mond Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ Happy Monday. I am exceptionally disgusted today. The woman came in from being out in the yard with a horrified look on her face. She had discovered a bajillion wasps swarming around one of the eaves of our house. It appeared there was a tiny hole and they were going inside of it and, thus, inside the house. We checked the master bathroom and, sure enough, we discovered about 25 of them inside. The woman quickly booted me out of the room and closed the door. She used some vile smelling spray to get rid of the ones flying around. ⁣ ⁣ She called an exterminator who is going to come by tomorrow. He said if they are indeed wasps, there won’t be anything he can do until they build a nest. WHAT??? ⁣ ⁣ First of all, who invited them into the house? Secondly, I’d like to know why every vile beast in the world comes to my house to find a home? I’ve got enough on my hands dealing with the feline vile beasts. Now I have to add buzzing beasts with wings who can bite me? I think not!!! If the exterminator comes tomorrow and says there’s nothing he can do until they build a nest, the I will have a conversation with whichever one of those freeloading creeps is in charge. This is not acceptable! ⁣ ⁣ See, I told you Mondays are no good. I should never have gotten out of bed...I mean, uhm, come out of my office today. I hope your day is going better than mine. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope this me Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope this message finds you well. I, unfortunately, have a very serious concern to discuss with you today. ⁣ ⁣ The woman is truly getting on my nerves. She is forever picking me up, squeezing my tush (the nerve!) and kissing me. I realize there was a time in my life where no one loved me. I’m thankful but, there is a time and place for everything. I’ve got very important work to do. She doesn’t seem to be capable of understanding that my dang book will not write itself. ⁣ ⁣ I’m afraid I’m going to have to institute a social distancing policy to be followed inside my house in order to get anything done. It is sad it has come to this but one of us has to be the responsible one. She simply cannot resist my tush...which is understandable but she must develop some self-control. ⁣ ⁣ I would be interested to know how you are managing the quarantine. Is your significant other climbing all over your last nerve and, if so, how are you managing it?⁣ ⁣ I must go set my intentions for the week ahead and prepare for the arrival of the most worthless, no-good day of the week...Monday. ⁣ ⁣ Please go wash your hands and for the one millionth time...stop touching your face. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope the sun Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope the sun is shining wherever you are and you are safely tucked away in your own homes and yards. ⁣ ⁣ I’m exhausted this afternoon...literally worn out. I had to once again fuss at the woman to clean up my yard. I didn’t even ask her to do the back...just the front that people can see. I’m sure the neighbors are all talking about how awful my yard looks and I’m so embarrassed. She hemmed and hawed for most of the morning. Once I finally shamed her to getting started, I had to supervise her every move. She kept sitting down to check her email or Facebook or Instagram. I have never in my life met someone with such a very limited attention span. She has no focus on getting things done. If it weren’t for my oversight, our yard would be a jungle. ⁣ ⁣ Alas, the job is now complete for this week. Now that it’s springtime, I will have a weekly struggle to get her to complete her tasks. Although I do not want to, I may have to resort to withholding my purrs every week until the yard is clean. Sometimes you have to use whatever leverage you have. ⁣ ⁣ In other breaking news, in light of the global shortage of toilet paper, I’m evaluating the possibility of launching my own brand of that sorely needed commodity. The name of my product would be “Bob’s Ultra Strong...when you need to wipe, Bob’s got you covered!” I’m currently evaluating the financials and hope to make a decision soon. I will certainly keep you posted. I’m certain I could do a better job of distributing these little rolls of gold than the competition is currently doing. ⁣ ⁣ Ok, I must get back to working on my book. Please make sure you wash your hands and, for Pete’s sake, stop touching your face. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest Friday,⁣ I have never been so happy to s Dearest Friday,⁣ I have never been so happy to see you, my friend. You have never ever let us down in bringing happiness, laughter and joy. But I’m afraid you are going to have a tough time in getting people to smile this week, Friday. ⁣ ⁣ You see, all the days are running together. For all we know, you could be Tuesday or Thursday or even that good-for-nothing Monday. We are all so tired from sadness and fear that we don’t even know what day it is. ⁣ ⁣ So many people have died all around the world. Doctors and nurses are getting sick, too. They don’t have even the most basic things they need to protect themselves from this vile virus. ⁣ ⁣ So Friday, we need you to bring all you’ve got today to give people hope and joy. I know it’s a lot to ask, but please try your hardest to help everyone see joy in even the smallest things. The woman got super excited because she planted some carrots by seed and she noticed this morning that they are starting to sprout! Of course I would’ve been more impressed had she planted catnip, but I digress. At least she noticed that one little thing. ⁣ ⁣ I’m going to stay heads down in my office and continue working on my book until all of this is over...or until it’s time for my fresh salmon, smashed potatoes with real butter and green beans...whichever comes first. ⁣ ⁣ Friday, please do a good job today so you can hold your place in our hearts as our favorite day. No pressure. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope this fi Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope this fine day is finding you rested, well and cootie free. All continues to be well here...except for the fact the woman is getting on my last nerve. ⁣ ⁣ I am happy to report I have re-assumed my seat on my throne and Miss Elizabeth Taylor is back to being a serf. After I gave her the royal boot off of my pillow, I had to fumigate and disinfect it. It is hard to tell what kind of vile germs that hussy has. I could not lay my head down on it until I was certain it was safe. Thankfully the woman has enough bleach and soap on hand to last until the end of time given that she is terrified of Coronavirus. ⁣ ⁣ Last night the woman and I shook our groove things for almost two whole hours! @dnice was live streaming 80’s & 90’s music on Instagram and it was amazing!!! There were lots of celebrities in the audience...well, other than me, that is. We super freaked the night away. ⁣ ⁣ I’m exhausted today from all the dancing. I normally do not partake in such frivolity, but it felt good to let my fur down for a while. I’m making up for it today, though. I’m very slow in getting started with today’s writing. I’m currently working on the section of my book focused on the long lost art of making the best of bad situations and and a how-to for humans on how to not whine about being quarantined when they have a warm home, stocked cupboards and they are not sick. These topics take tremendous concentration and I’m really struggling today. I am going to meditate for a while to see if I can kick my writing into overdrive. ⁣ ⁣ I hope you all will decide to choose joy today...and go wash your hands...and stop touching your face. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope you are Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope you are all safely at home washing your hands, napping and eating snacks. We are all safe and sound here. ⁣ ⁣ I am happy to report that the woman showered and actually changed clothes today. As a result, I have allowed her to rub my belly. I am withholding actual snuggling until I am certain her stench has aired out. I will reassess the situation tonight and decide if we will move on to a full-blown cuddling session with fuzzy socks. ⁣ ⁣ In other news, the woman had to leave the house yesterday to pick up supplies for us...food and medicines. I must say I was embarrassed because she went there smelling like the south end of a horse. I have a reputation to keep and when she goes out in public like that, it’s a reflection on me. Nevertheless, she went. I’m just hoping everyone she encountered was downwind from her. I love Dr Mark, Dr Kelly, Dr Evan and all the other vets and techs who help me keep the woman sane. Each of them have taken turns talking her off the ledge when one of the vile beasts gets sick. I hope they are not going to ban her from the hospital now because of her vileness. ⁣ ⁣ Speaking of vileness, I am not exactly sure what is going on but I believe a coup is underway in my house. I caught Elizabeth Taylor sleeping on MY pillow...the pillow with the most prime location in my house. When I asserted my authority and told her to vacate the premises, she refused. Being a gentleman, I would never resort to violence...especially against a girl, so I retreated to my office to weigh my options and strategize my next steps. I must find a way to put her in her place, though, and regain control. She cannot usurp my status of House Leader & Favorite Cat...uhm...I mean Manager. I am spending the rest of the day mapping out a plan to put that hussy in her place. If I am not successful, my leadership role will be taken over by a two-bit tart who is always looking for a good time. ⁣ ⁣ I will keep you all updated as the situation evolves. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest woman,⁣ Thou knowest thou art the love o Dearest woman,⁣ Thou knowest thou art the love of my life...thou arteth my soulmate. My love for thee knowest no boundaries. When I am aroundeth thee, the scent of l'amour is in the air...except for when thou hast been working frometh home. Le scent of l'amour has now turnethed into le BO. Thou doest taketh my breath away for different reasons today. I would asketh thee to considereth le shower before thou and I doeth the snuggles.⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope all is Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope all is well with you and yours. Things are very busy here at the Coronavirus HQ at my house...AKA my office. I am working hard to stay abreast of all the updates and rapidly changing events. ⁣ ⁣ I will be honest...I am becoming a bit tired of this. The woman is starting to get on my nerves. She has been self-quarantined for 10 days and has been in her pajamas every single day. She is becoming, shall we say, ripe. She has showered but has done so too infrequently for my taste. I read today that this could go on for weeks...or months. I am not sure I will survive it. ⁣ ⁣ Being quarantined is imperative but if this continues much longer I will be forced to institute a social distancing mandate inside the house. Of course she could just get back to daily showers and changing her dang clothes. But she is a human and I cannot count on her to do the right thing. Like the ignorant people who were crowding the beaches in Florida and California this past weekend. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH THEM???⁣ ⁣ I am going to continue closely monitoring the situation and will provide updates as to whether I need to begin hiding under the bed to keep myself down wind from the woman. I hope it doesn’t come to that but tough times call for tough measures. ⁣ ⁣ I hope your Monday is going well and you are washing your hands...and other stuff. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest people on the internet,⁣ I hope today fi Dearest people on the internet,⁣ I hope today finds you well. Everything is fine here. The vile beasts are all napping so I’m getting some much needed office time. ⁣ ⁣ Today I am contemplating why humans touch their face so frequently. Yesterday I observed the woman touching her nose, rubbing her eyes and scratching her forehead at least 39 times...each! What is wrong with her? Fortunately she hasn’t been outside of the house for 9 days but...seriously...I’m starting to think she may have fleas. What else could account for the itchiness? I only touch my face when I’m washing it or washing my hands. It just goes to show, once again, the superiority of felines over humans. ⁣ ⁣ Face touching is not a good thing during a pandemic. It is up to the cats of the world to save their humans before it’s too late. My guidance to every feline is to take immediate and swift action. If you see your human rubbing or scratching their face, run to them as fast as you can and whap them with your paw. This will shock them initially. With each subsequent whap, they will begin to connect face touching with whappage. This is called a Pavlovian response. I pray we are not too late in saving humans from their vile selves. ⁣ ⁣ Please let me know if you have any questions. I will be in my office the rest of the day should anyone need me. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest woman,⁣ I know you are worried about all Dearest woman,⁣ I know you are worried about all of us. Making sure you have enough cat/dog food and medicine in the house has become your obsession. ⁣ ⁣ I think maybe you need to stop watching the news constantly. It’s only causing you to be more stressed. ⁣ ⁣ We are going to be okay. There is no other option. Regardless of what happens, we are in this together. I will always be your soulmate and be by your side. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
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