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I am Bob. I am in a constant state of disgust. My house is filled with stupid cats….and a hedgehog.

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Category: Thoughts

November 27, 2017November 28, 2017 Bob

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Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope you are Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope you are well and having a good Monday. I also hope all of my friends in the US are paying their respects to the men and women who have given their lives for our country...including all the healthcare workers who are helping us battle Covid-19. ⁣ ⁣ It has been exceptionally quiet in my house today...mostly dark and dreary...perfect for the vile beasts to nap...and stay out of my way. ⁣ ⁣ I am just a little bit disgusted with the woman. Today is a holiday and she didn’t have to work but...she has spent the entire day sitting in front of her computer. Can you believe that? She could’ve spent the whole day cuddling with me but chose to ignore me completely. I quite honestly don’t know what to think about it. I mean, if you had a man with my intellect and talents in your house, would you just ignore them? I think not. I guess she could’ve finally completely lost her mind. That’s the only excuse I can come up with. I’m going to keep an eye on her in case she has totally lost it. ⁣ ⁣ I have managed to work on my book today. My current chapter is proving to be quite difficult. “The Seven Bad Habits of Vile Beasts and How to Overcome Them” is a tough one. It’s just so hard to narrow all of their bad habits into a list of just seven. Every time I think I’ve got my list complete, I think of another one. I may have to update the chapter title to The 73 Bad Habits of Vile Beasts and How To Overcome Them”. I will keep you posted. ⁣ ⁣ I suppose I should get back to writing. Before I go, I wanted to leave you with a Monday surprise. I hope you will enjoy my purring. Please make sure your speakers are on loud...but before you do that...Please go wash your hands!⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope today h Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope today has been a good day for each of you. Unfortunately we have come to the time of day where we must begin to prepare ourselves for the inevitable arrival of Monday. The good news, at least for those of us in the US, is that tomorrow is a national holiday so Monday’s ability to wreak havoc will be greatly diminished. For everyone outside of the US, I will keep you in my prayers. ⁣ ⁣ The big news here today is that I scared the daylights out of the woman this morning. In all honesty, I did not mean to, but she wasn’t too terribly pleased with me. I had just finished my breakfast. Georgie would not leave me alone. Every five seconds he would ask “what are you going to do now, Bob? Can I help?”...at one point he even tried to give me a head butt. That simply crossed the line. I know he looks up to me and was just trying to help but I needed my personal space! So I decided to retire to my top secret office. Absolutely no one knew about my private retreat. Until today. ⁣ ⁣ You see, a long time ago I developed an extra special spot where no vile beast could bother me. Here’s what I do...I jump up on the bed...and flatten myself out like a pancake. Then I wiggle and squeeze and grunt until I am completely inside the pillowcase of the woman’s pillow. I make sure that I’m in the pillowcase with the pillow on top of me. I’m able to spend hours napping...uhm...I mean meditating with no one knowing where I am. ⁣ So this morning in an effort to preserve my sanity, I retired to the woman’s pillow. I had only been there for about 2 hours when she came upstairs to make the bed. Let’s just say she screamed like a wild woman when she reached for the pillow and I slapped her hand for disturbing me. ⁣It’s safe to say I was on her bad list for the rest of the day. Oh well... ⁣ I must go prepare for my evening meditation. I plan to do something cute to melt the woman’s heart so she won’t go to bed mad at me. If you made someone mad today, please go say you’re sorry. Don’t go to bed mad...being mad when you sleep just gives you bad dreams. And also don’t go to bed without washing your cootie-covered hands. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope this me Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope this message finds you happy and healthy. All is well here today. I have spent the entire day researching several topics for my book...things such as the best way to overcome vile beast syndrome, how to best manage unruly hussy cats and how to wear a willful human down. I’m worn out from all the googling I’ve done today!⁣ ⁣ Several of you sent me DMs with concern about last night’s pic. You were worried because I looked as though I’ve lost a lot of weight. I’ve got to say, I see why you would think that. I look very skinny in that photo. But, I promise, I’ve not lost an ounce. The woman was holding the camera at a weird angle. Maybe that’s it? Regardless, she just snapped the pic on this post and you can see I’m just my same old self. ⁣ ⁣ I must say I was a little bit excited because the woman spent the bulk of the day outside. She fiddled around with some of the flowers in her garden and then she worked on an online class she’s taking while sitting in a lounge chair. I love her with all of my heart but I’m ready to be rid of her for a while. Throughout the quarantine she has become far too clingy. I fear I may need to do my own social distancing for my mental health. ⁣ ⁣ I’m glad so many of you enjoyed last night’s Dancing extravaganza! We’ll plan to do it again next week! ⁣ ⁣ I must go back into my office to finish up researching one last topic...what to do when you’re the most intelligent being in a room. ⁣ ⁣ I hope you all have a lovely evening filled with face masks and hand washing!⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet, Happy Friday! We Dearest friends on the internet, Happy Friday! We made it! And, here in the US it’s Memorial Day weekend. It’s the time when we honor those who have died while serving our country. Unfortunately, a lot of people think it’s just the unofficial start to summer and cookouts. That’s even scarier this year with Coronavirus. The woman intends to keep herself parked at home. She had groceries delivered today so there’s nothing for her to do except stay here and adore me. I’m glad so many of you joined me in celebrating Sammy’s non-vile action. Some of you suggested I allow him to join the woman and me for Fuzzy Sock Nite. Uhm...no way. Nope. Not ever gonna happen. Over my dead body. Fuzzy sock nites are mine. All mine. The woman is MY soulmate and I’m not sharing. Plus, Sammy is still vile to the core. Yes, he did a very good thing...once. Let’s see if he can start a streak. Thank you all for asking about Miss Elizabeth Taylor. She is doing better. As long as she gets fluids and nausea medicine, she’s golden. Her hussy level is starting to skyrocket again. I was in my satellite office while the woman was giving her fluids. Elizabeth rolled over on her side, stretched and kicked me in the head. She then stuck her tongue out at me and rolled back over so the woman could love on her. She is the vilest person in this house. It’s almost time for the woman to take our weekly stroll through the house together dancing to ‘70’s music. I hope you all will join me. Just turn the music on loud, grab your soulmate in your arms and shake your stuff. Tonight’s selection is “Play That Funky Music” by Wild Cherry. BUT!!!! Before you enjoy all that funky music, go wash your cootie-covered hands! Very truly yours! Bob
Dearest Samuel L Jackson Graves III,⁣ I hope thi Dearest Samuel L Jackson Graves III,⁣ I hope this message finds you well. Listen, Sammy, I’m just going to get straight to the point. I saw what you did. You know what I’m talking about. You tried to act all cool when you realized I saw it. But I saw everything from the beginning. ⁣ ⁣ You know, I’ve always had a certain impression of you as a carousing double-talking womanizer. But what I saw this morning just takes the cake. Seriously. I couldn’t believe my eyes. ⁣ ⁣ I had hoped my coaching sessions had somehow penetrated your brain but you didn’t give me much evidence that we were making any progress. ⁣ ⁣ Until today. ⁣ ⁣ I know you didn’t realize I was watching. But I saw little blind Gracie trotting around upstairs. She was playing and got away from the woman before she could grab her. In a split second you jumped in front of her before she tumbled down the stairs. The baby gate was open because Freddy Astaire Graves III cannot seem to stand it being closed and learned how to pop it open. (I’ve already scheduled a counseling session with him to discuss this vile behavior.)⁣ ⁣ Sammy, this is the first non-vile action I’ve ever seen from you. Now don’t get me wrong. We still have loads of work to do. But today you did good and I wanted to recognize your valor and achievement. ⁣ ⁣ Let’s plan to celebrate at 2:30 AM with a fierce running-up-and-down-the-stairs-workout. We still need to work off your huge hiney.⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope today h Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope today has turned out to be the most fantastic day in your life thus far! All is well here. Well, if I’m honest, I suppose that’s a lie. It is the woman’s turn to feel like a steaming pile of poo. She has felt awful all day due to a sinus headache. She woke up with it and nothing she has done to stop it has worked. Dang ol’ sinuses. ⁣ ⁣ I felt sort of sorry for her so have been applying the maximum purr therapy all day. I curled up as close to her as I could get, closed my eyes and turned my purr box on as high as it would go. So far it hasn’t helped but I sure did have a good nap...uhm, I mean meditation session. ⁣ ⁣ In other news, Miss Elizabeth Taylor is driving me nuts. She goes to the vet on Friday for a check-up to see how her kidneys are doing. She sees it as a social outing...is worried about making sure her claws are trimmed and finding just the right blanket to put in her carrier to coordinate with the color of her eyes. Gag me. If I hear one more time how much she adores Dr Evan I will barf. He’s nice and everything (and there’s the extra bonus for him being able to speak cat) but she just doesn’t get that she’s going to pee in a cup and have them drain out some of her blood. That’s serious stuff. ⁣ ⁣ I must get back to supervising the woman. She is moaning and groaning something fierce. It’s very hard to maintain my purring level at such I high rate but I will do whatever I can to help my soulmate. I just hope I don’t do any permanent damage to my purr box. ⁣ ⁣ I hope you all end the day with a smile on your face and no cooties on your hands. Please go wash up right now. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope today h Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope today has been a very productive and pleasant experience for you. Unfortunately my crappy day experience has continued, as today was a steaming pile of poo like yesterday was. It did not help that the weather was dark, raining and cold all day. At least no one coughed up a furball on me today, though. So I suppose there’s that. ⁣ ⁣ I cannot say I accomplished much. I tried diligently to get Sammy to work out but he only rolled over and said, “Piss off, Bob. It’s too gloomy to exercise. I need to conserve my calories.” I will only take that kind of insult once. His belly will be dragging the floor before I try to coach him again. ⁣ ⁣ I must say I felt embarrassed for the woman today. She receives some medication every month from an online pharmacy. She could’ve sworn the prescription was delivered last week but could not find it anywhere in the house. She remembered getting it out of the mailbox but had no recall after that. She usually opens the package and places it in the medicine cabinet...but it wasn’t there. She tore my house apart looking for it and got herself so worked up that I feared she had gone insane. She sat on the bed and started to cry. I calmly sat next to her and started to purr. In about 15 minutes, she jumped off the bed and went running outside to the car. She came back inside with her prescription! I guess she had checked the mail before getting in the car to go somewhere and had left the package in the car. I am going to keep an eye on her...I’m concerned she’s becoming not quite right in the head. That is the last thing I need...uhm...I mean, that’s the last thing she needs to worry about right now. ⁣ ⁣ Tonight is going to be a fuzzy sock night so I must go prepare...and by “prepare” I mean claim my spot on the sofa within arm’s reach of the woman so she can rub my belly. I hope you have a wonderful evening and pray your day tomorrow will be magnificent. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob⁣ ⁣ PS...please don’t make a bad day worse by potentially going to bed with Coronavirus cooties on you. Please go wash your hands.
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I trust this m Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I trust this message finds you well. It is currently a little past 10:00 pm. I have never in my life been so happy to see Monday prepare to pack up its crap and leave in my entire life. What an exhausting and annoying day. ⁣ ⁣ First, Freddy Astaire Graves III barfed all over me. I was minding my own business and he literally just hacked up a fur ball over my gorgeous orange fur. Then, Miss Elizabeth Taylor started to regain some of her hussy ways. She literally hovered around me the entire day. I could not get one minute of rest...uhm, I mean work done without her flitting around me. Such a pest. ⁣ ⁣ Then, the woman started complaining of a sinus headache and took forever to prepare my supper. And then, to top it all off, my electricity went off. There we all were just sitting around staring at each other in the dark. Of course, being without electricity did not deter the woman from spending more of my money on a DoorDash order for her supper. I sure hope that 3500 calorie “Salad” was tasty. Disgusting!⁣ ⁣ I know I have much to be thankful for but Monday simply wore me out. We still have a little less than 2 hours before I can kick Monday out of my house. I’m ready to lay down the law with Tuesday to make sure he understands I’m not taking any BS. I’m tired, cranky and ready for a nap. If you happen to see Tuesday before I do, please let him know that I’m prepared to slap him into next week if he even thinks about crossing me the wrong way. ⁣ ⁣ I guess we all have days like this but I don’t like it. No, I don’t like it all. I didn’t get any work done on my book. How can I share my talents with the world when I never get the time to practice my art?⁣ ⁣ I’m going to finish the evening meditating. I am hopeful a 30 minute session will help clear my anxiety and stress. May tomorrow be a better day for us all. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob⁣ ⁣ PS...please do not add to my aggravation. Get up right now and go wash your hands.
Dearest friends on the internet,
I hope this mes Dearest friends on the internet,
I hope this message finds you happy and well. All is fine here. The woman and I decided to take the day off yesterday to rest and cuddle. Thank you so much to everyone who checked in to make sure we were ok. Everything is just fine.⁣ ⁣ It has been a quiet weekend with not a lot of news to report. The woman finally planted some flowers on Miss Eleanor Rigby’s grave. She planted Marigolds. The woman’s mom used to plant them in her garden every summer. So now the woman can smile and think of her mom and Miss Ellie both when she sees them.⁣ ⁣ I have already started working on my plan for the week. I have so much to get done between vile beast coaching sessions and working on my book I will simply not have a moment to spare. ⁣ One of the very important things I intend to do is to have a conversation with Oliver (a.k.a. Mr. Barkie Barkerson). He has started refusing to eat his supper unless the woman hand feeds him. Have you ever heard of such a thing? This is vileness on an extreme level. The only thing that is worse is the fact that the woman is catering to his demands. She has created a monster and is fully aware of it. I intend to have a conversation with Oliver to get him to straighten up and fly right. I will not have such vile behavior in my house.⁣ ⁣ In other news I am quite perturbed with the woman at the moment. She has started developing an incredibly bad habit of ordering her supper from DoorDash. She is spending all of my money on having someone else prepare her food. I will not have this when she is fully capable of making her own meals. I suppose I am going to have to have a coaching session with her as well. My work is simply never done here.⁣ ⁣ I must go now to finish up my planning for the week and begin mentally preparing for the arrival of Monday. I am surrounded by vileness and the entrance of yet another vile thing requires much meditation and solitude.⁣ ⁣ I hope you all have a lovely evening and are prepared to kick Monday in the booty.⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,
Bob⁣ ⁣ PS...Ewww...please go wash your hands.⁣
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I wanted to le Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I wanted to let you know that I now proclaim that the weekend has officially started! Let the party now commence!...and by party I mean fuzzy socks, Netflix and snacks!⁣ ⁣ I am pleased to report that Miss Elizabeth Taylor has eaten very well today and seems to feel better. She also seems to really enjoy getting fluids. Of course it doesn’t hurt that the woman kisses her the entire time the fluids are running. She is getting fluids and Pepcid every day and she seems to be responding. The woman told Miss Elizabeth that she must try very hard to get better because she has an appointment next Friday with Dr Evan for a follow-up. She will need to pee in a cup and they will drain out some of her blood to see how she is doing. I know Elizabeth must be feeling better because the first thing she said after the woman told her this was “oh I will need to pick out the perfect blanket to match my eye color to go in my carrier and you must trim my fingernails. It is very important I look good for Dr Evan!” Gag me. ⁣ ⁣ In other news, I finally guilted...I mean, persuaded the woman to mow my yard. Of course she whined and moaned the entire time. Plus it took her forever because she kept stopping to rest and smell the peonies and roses in the garden. It’s not my fault she picked the hottest day of the year thus far to do it. That’s what happens when you procrastinate. At least it is done for this week. ⁣ ⁣ I must get to bed early tonight because I am planning an early surprise workout for Sammy. I’m going to surprise him at 2:00 AM with a marathon chasing session through the house. I think the woman will surely enjoy seeing Sammy and I working together to achieve his fitness goals. ⁣ ⁣ I hope you have a wonderful evening and spend time purging the vileness of the week out of your mind. It’s time to rest and recharge. But before you do all of that, please haul your cootie infested self to the bathroom and wash your hands. You will thank me for this when you don’t wake up with Coronavirus cooties. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
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