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All.Things.Bob.

I am Bob. I am in a constant state of disgust. My house is filled with stupid cats….and a hedgehog.

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May 18, 2017May 18, 2017 Bob

Intervention

May 17, 2017May 17, 2017 Bob

Vile Beast of the Day: The Senator

May 16, 2017May 16, 2017 Bob

Do Not Be Mean!

May 15, 2017May 15, 2017 Bob

Here is my story…

May 14, 2017 Bob

Happy Mother’s Day

May 13, 2017 Bob

Oh man…

August 23, 2015August 23, 2015 Bob

I have returned to the land of my people

November 11, 2014November 11, 2014 Bob

US WWII Hero

November 10, 2014November 9, 2014 Bob

I need some advice.

November 9, 2014May 14, 2017 Bob

Vile Beast of the Day: Mazie Grace Graves

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bobthewritingcat

Bob
⁣⁣ Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ I h ⁣⁣ Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ I hope your Saturday is going well. I have to be honest...I feel like a steaming pile of poo today. For those of you who may not know, I suffer from inflammatory bowel disease. I eat special foods and get medicine. But even with all of that, sometimes I have a flare up. Today is one of those days. I will be okay just need to sleep...and I really need Elizabeth Taylor to keep her junk out of my face!⁣ ⁣ The good news is that I’m getting lots of kisses and belly rubs from the woman. The belly rubs feel extra good because that’s where I hurt. We are cuddling and watching tv today. Just what the doctor ordered. ⁣ ⁣ Hopefully I can get back to normal tomorrow! ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
⁣ Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ Happy Frid ⁣ Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ Happy Friday! We made it! Thank goodness this crappy week is behind us. ⁣ ⁣ As an update, as of 4:30 PM EST, no boxes have been delivered. The woman said I must be patient because sometimes we do not get deliveries until close to 8:00 PM. ⁣ ⁣ In my effort to not think about it, I had a meeting with the vile beasts. I am ashamed to say that I lost my cool during the meeting. I was trying to explain to Freddy that he needs to aim inside the litter box instead of climbing into the box and aiming his stuff for the floor. I just lost it when he kept saying “but it just is so freeing to pee on the floor”...some days I just need them all to shut up...and well...I kind of told them what they could do with their crappy attitudes. The woman told me I need to go tell them that I’m sorry for being unprofessional. She said I scared them and hurt Elizabeth Taylor’s delicate ears. Ugh...being the only intelligent one in the house is so draining sometimes. ⁣ ⁣ With that, I’m going to go meditate so I can gain the strength to ask the disgusting vile beasts for forgiveness. ⁣ ⁣ I hope you all have a cozy and relaxing Friday evening!⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
⁣ Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ I hope ⁣ Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ I hope this message finds you well. I’m afraid I’ve got bad news to report. I’m not going to try to sugarcoat it...I’m extremely disgusted. The woman promised that Amazon would be delivering several boxes for my evaluation yesterday. I was so anxious to move into a new office and have my own space once again. A writer such as myself needs solitude to work on their art. I sat in the window the entire day watching for the delivery truck. You guessed it...no Amazon truck, no deliveries, no boxes, no nothing. ⁣ ⁣ I believe in holding people accountable and, as a result, I demanded that the woman explain why she did not deliver on her promise to me. She hemmed and hawed and then finally said “Bob, I misread the order confirmation. Everything will be delivered on Friday instead of today. You just have to wait a little while longer.” And then she went on her merry way...looking at her Pinterest boards, Home Decor Instagram accounts and drinking her Venti Soy Latte. Have you ever heard of anything as sloppy and vile as that?⁣ ⁣ Could I possibly mean so little to her? First she threw my office in the recycling bin and now this. There are simply no words to express my disgust. ⁣ ⁣ She’s trying to kiss up to me by saying “Oh Bob! We’re supposed to get a snowstorm tonight! Let’s have a fuzzy sock night and watch movies.” Uh, that would be a big NO from me, woman. No fuzzy sock nights until I get an office. I have never been one to withhold my affection to get what I want but...desperate times call for desperate measures. She’ll be sitting on the sofa drinking her hot chocolate alone tonight. That will show her. ⁣ ⁣ I am going to go find a quiet spot where Elizabeth Taylor cannot find me to stick her junk in my face. I need to meditate and recite some affirmations in order to destress. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ I am excit Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ I am excited to declare that we have made it to Wednesday. I think I’m on to something with this whole “Kick Monday to the Curb” idea. I’ve noticed when I show Monday that I’m the boss, the entire week seems to go by quickly. I’m going to continue researching my thesis and will report back on my findings. ⁣ ⁣ Today I am excited because the woman said the Amazon delivery guy will be bringing a couple of boxes by for my consideration. He hasn’t been here yet, but I’m anxiously awaiting his arrival. I seriously need an office that suits my style and writing needs. Please keep your fingers crossed that this will be the day I can move into a new, just-for-me space. ⁣ ⁣ I so want to finish my book. I’m at a critical point in the writing process and have been 100% laser focused on it today. Well, that may be an exaggeration because Miss Elizabeth Taylor continually interrupts me with her trashiness. In the past hour she has attempted to put her junk in my face three times. Why does she do that? Miss Elsie doesn’t do it and neither does Miss Holly Berry. She is such a despicable hussy. ⁣ ⁣ Unfortunately I must now get back to work. I hope this time tomorrow I can share news of a new office and possibly give you a tour!⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest Mr Oliver Eugene Graves III,⁣ ⁣ As you Dearest Mr Oliver Eugene Graves III,⁣ ⁣ As you may be aware, I am donating my time to counsel the vile beasts in my house. My goal is to decrease the level of vileness I must contend with on a daily basis. ⁣ ⁣ First, let me say, I’m coming from a place of...well...not love because you are vile but...I guess if I’m honest I’m coming from a place of SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!!!! Dude, you bark non-stop to get the woman’s attention. Stop it! Stop it now! Why can’t you be cool like Miss Gracie? She only barks when the doorbell rings. If the woman gets up to turn a light on you bark as though you are dying. This is separation anxiety on steroids. ⁣ ⁣ To help with this situation, I have created the following plan for you. First, I have instructed the woman to begin giving you CBD oil again. It worked once before. I am praying to God in heaven it works again. ⁣ ⁣ Secondly, you have some responsibility in this effort. When you get the urge to bark for no apparent reason, shove a sock in your mouth, bury your face in a pillow or possibly lick something. Dogs are always licking stuff. Focus on that to get your mind off of your obnoxious yelling. ⁣ ⁣ And, finally, please write the following statement 5073 times daily: I will shove a sock in my mouth the next time I get the urge to bark. ⁣ ⁣ I will check on your progress next week. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I trust Monday Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I trust Monday is treating you well. If not, you must firmly implant your foot up its backside to show it who is boss. If you do not, every single Monday that follows will find you being its bish. ⁣ ⁣ The woman has chosen to take her one day off to continue moving forward with her “house refresh” plans. She could have been snuggling with me, but no...she has her face buried in home decor magazines and checking out her favorite design IG accounts. She has been cleaning and prepping to paint one of the bedrooms most of the day. I must say I am concerned about her color choices...and her taste, in general. Although she has not finalized the color palette, let’s just say I am worried. She is getting ready right now to go to Lowes to get more paint samples. I’m kind of hoping the car won’t start and maybe she will forget all about this nonsense. I like things the way they are. My fur is in all the right places and the dust balls create quite a cozy ambience. ⁣ ⁣ Since today is a holiday in the US, it is highly unlikely new boxes will be delivered for my evaluation. Since the Great Box Debacle that occurred last week, I’ve been officeless. I’ve been forced to find a quiet place wherever I can. Today I found one of the woman’s bags to work in. It is embarrassing for a high-level exec like myself to be forced to endure such conditions. But, I am humble and committed to writing my book. ⁣ ⁣ I hope you all finish your day with the satisfaction in knowing you kicked Monday to the curb. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ I apologiz Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ I apologize for the lateness of my update today. To be honest, I’m exhausted. Let’s just say there was excessive kissing, belly rubs, ear scratching and paw massages last night. There may have also been some recreational catnip use...definitely not for medicinal purpose. This quite possibly was my best Valentines Day ever. ⁣ ⁣ There was one problem, however. Oliver the dog, AKA “Mr Barky Barkerson, could not stand the fact that the woman was focusing all of her attention on me. He tried to disrupt our relaxation by barking his head off. The woman had to tend to him quite a bit but he finally wore himself out and went to sleep. I intend to have words with him tomorrow about his bad behavior. I’m just too tired today. Please let me know if you have any good suggestions for nursing a nip hangover. ⁣ ⁣ I hope you are all having a wonderful Valentines Weekend! ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob⁣
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ Happy Vale Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ Happy Valentines Day. I hope you are getting tons of kisses, hugs and loads of chocolate. ⁣ ⁣ I don’t know how to tell you this but I believe a Valentines Day miracle has happened! I have remained quite depressed since the destruction of my shrine...my happy place...my haven. For those of you who are new here, the woman callously destroyed my box and put it out for recycling. I have been despondent ever since and I’ve been ignoring her. I’ve also purposely been not eating as much...just to make her worry a little. (Don’t worry...I was eating some of Georgie’s food but the woman didn’t know it.)I think my lack of interest began to drive her mad! So...she came home early today and made a HUGE fuss over me! She kissed me (I did not kiss her back) and told me not to worry about my box. She has ordered a crap ton of junk for the house refresh and there will lots of boxes being delivered next week. I will have lots of boxes to choose from! And, get this...she went into the kitchen and made me my favorite meal ever...fresh salmon and smashed potatoes with extra cream and butter!!!! She said I should eat early because there will be Netflix, fuzzy socks and kisses all night tonight!!!⁣ ⁣ Let this be a lesson for all my vile beast friends. You must approach the management of your humans with a rock solid strategy. Let them know who is boss. Get under their skin and make them question their sanity. I promise you it works every time. (And calling them a heifer doesn’t hurt, either.)⁣ ⁣ I hope you all have a wonderful Valentines Day! The woman and I love all of you and are grateful you come to visit us every day!⁣ ⁣ I’m off to go rest up for tonight. I have a feeling the woman will wear me out with kissing and belly rubs. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ Happy Vale Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ Happy Valentines Eve. I hope you all are having a wonderful day. I am still struggling to get over the loss of my beloved box. The woman seems to have no awareness of the tragedy she created. In fact, she has been happy as a lark...walking though the house singing and whistling a tune. She keeps talking about how good it feels to “clean out clutter”. Her insensitivity makes my pain even worse. ⁣ ⁣ I, on the other hand, have been unable to write or get any work done. She hasn’t even noticed my depression. I think she may still be under the impression that I am writing her a love poem for Valentines Day. Well I’ve got your poem right here, woman:⁣ ⁣ Roses are red⁣ Violets are blue⁣ You look like a heifer⁣ And you smell like one, too. ⁣ ⁣ Let’s see how she likes that!⁣ ⁣ I am going to go find a quiet spot to meditate and continue to recover from my loss. If you have a minute, please drop me a comment about your plans for Valentines Day. Maybe you can help lift my spirits and provide me with some inspiration. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ I don’t Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ I don’t even know how to tell you this. I am a ball of raw emotions today...incredibly hurt, mad and sad all rolled into one. ⁣ ⁣ You remember my box from yesterday? It was my office...my place of solace and comfort...where I could achieve zen and stuff. ⁣ ⁣ This morning the woman did the unthinkable. She said “Oh gosh! I forgot that today is recycling day. I must set everything out ASAP!” Then she took a box cutter and tore my beloved office to shreds. Right in front of me, no less!!!⁣ ⁣ It was MY BOX, man. MY BOX!!! She didn’t even think twice about slicing it up and throwing it away. Each swipe of the blade felt as though it was slicing away my soul. I was able to get so much done in my box...I wrote a couple of chapters of my book...even started working on her Valentines Day poem. ⁣ ⁣ Well I can tell you one thing, she’s NOT getting a love poem from me this year. I’m devastated. I’m going to spend the rest of the day in my suitcase and try to cope with my pain. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
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