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I am Bob. I am in a constant state of disgust. My house is filled with stupid cats….and a hedgehog.

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May 20, 2017May 20, 2017 Bob

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Dearest friends on the internet,⁣⁣⁣ I hope y Dearest friends on the internet,⁣⁣⁣ I hope you all are having a middle of the week celebration! All is well here. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I worked the entire day on my book and spent the biggest part of my time going down memory lane. I’m in the chapter where I tell about meeting the woman. This pic is the first one she ever took of me inside the house. I was so cold. It was close to 0 degrees the morning she rescued me. I had been outside all night without shelter. After she found me, she took me to the vet to make sure I was okay. We didn’t even go into the house...she put me in a carrier and into the car. I had only been to the vet one other time in my entire life before that trip. You’ll find out all about that in my book. But after we left the vet she set up the heated bed with a big fuzzy blanket in the kitchen. She shut the door so the vile beasts could not come in to bother me. I will be honest...I was scared. I wasn’t sure about her yet. I wouldn’t even look at her. I was afraid she would be mean like the people I had lived with before. And I guess, as they say, the rest is history. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ In other news, I’m afraid I will need to have a word with Buddy Holly Graves III. This morning the woman had folded clothes she had just pulled out of the dryer. Being the procrastinator that she is, she left them sitting in the clothes basket so she could put them away the next trip she made upstairs. She had sit down to work on her laptop in the living room for a bit. For some reason, Buddy Holly fished a single sock out of the clothes basket, carried it in his mouth, and dunked it in the water dish. Then he proceeded to baptize it over and over again. He began to talk to it and fuss at it. The woman heard him making weird noises and came running. Buddy had flung water all over the kitchen floor. When I asked him what had possessed him to do such a vile thing he responded, “The devil,” and then he sauntered away. I’m going to keep an eye on that boy. I’m afraid he’s not quite right. ⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ I hope you all have a lovely evening. Please make sure to wash your hands a lot, wear your face mask, a stay at least 6’ away from other humans. They are vile. ⁣ ⁣ ⁣Very truly yours,⁣⁣⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ Another day is Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ Another day is now behind us. I am happy to report all is well at my house and I hope the same for you. ⁣ ⁣ I spent another day working on my book. Some of you messaged me saying you weren’t sure if I was just teasing or if there really is a book. I promise with all of my heart there is a real book. I am working very hard to release it by the end of the summer, maybe sooner if I can get these blasted vile beasts to leave me alone so I can focus on my work. Like I said last night, writing takes a lot out of a person. I promise I’m working as fast as my paws can type. ⁣ ⁣ In other news, I am a bit disgusted with the woman as I have come to the realization that she is not quite right. Every time I walk by her she is compelled to squeeze my tush. It is absurd that she should think it’s okay to exhibit such barbaric behavior. I confronted her about it and she said, “Bob, you are just so adorable that I cannot resist.” I can understand the adorable part but it is not acceptable for her to treat me like a play toy. I told her we would need to set some boundaries. I do not think she appreciated my sternness but she must learn to control herself. ⁣ ⁣ I must go for now because I need to finish the chapter in my book I’ve been working on today. I hope you all rest well and are prepared to teach Wednesday a thing or two. Please make sure your face mask is freshly laundered and ready to go with you in the morning and you scrub your hands clean every chance you get. It is critically important for you to de-cootify yourself frequently throughout the day. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I trust this m Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I trust this message finds you safe and happy. All is well in my house today. ⁣ ⁣ I found myself to be very busy throughout the entire day today. I was able to get quite a bit done on my book. I must be honest...some parts of it make me very sad. The chapter I’m working on now is about my mother cat. It takes a lot out of me to have to rehash my story. I’m fairly wiped out and sad tonight. I hope you all will like my book when it’s released. I’ve been working very hard. ⁣ ⁣ In other news, Miss Elizabeth Taylor continues to get on my very last nerve. She is still getting chemo medication and an appetite stimulant. She is eating us out of house and home. And, what’s worse is that woman applauds it. If she wanted to eat 10 cans of food at one time, the woman would run and fix it for her. But if I ask for just a bite the response is “Bob, leave Miss Elizabeth’s food alone!” I do not appreciate this at all. It is simply not right. And, probably the worst part of it is that Elizabeth is working this whole “I’m sick” thing for all it’s worth. She’ll walk up to the woman and give her a pitiful look. The woman will pick her up and start loving on her. (Gag me!) Elizabeth will look over the woman’s shoulder and stick her tongue out at me. Spoiled heifer. ⁣ ⁣ In other news, the woman spent far too much time working in her little garden today. She’s so excited that the cucumbers are blooming. She has turned into a bonafide recluse as a result of the quarantine. It is sad. It’s such a good thing she has me as her soulmate. I don’t know of too many men who would put up with her quirkiness. ⁣ ⁣ I’m still very worried about the spread of the coronavirus. The sad thing is that there’s still so much we don’t know about this vile beast. That’s why it is so important that you protect yourself and others. Now get up right now and wash your hands. And for crying out loud, wear a dang mask when you go out. It’s the right thing to do. ⁣ ⁣ I am going do some yoga and then meditate for a while. It is time to kick Monday and all of its crap out the door. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope this me Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope this message finds you well. All is well here. ⁣ ⁣ I am quite disgusted at the moment. I would like to know who allowed the weekend to pass so very quickly. In just a few short hours, Monday will be slinking back into all of our lives. It’s simply ridiculous!⁣ ⁣ I am happy to report that all is quiet on the home front here. Normally fireworks gone for a solid week in my neighborhood but as of this moment, nobody is blowing stuff up. ⁣ ⁣ In other news, I am concerned that I may have created a monster. Last night poor Georgie P Puddinandpie was terrified because of the fireworks. He asked if he could sleep next to me. Because he is elderly, I agreed. When I woke up this morning, he was full on spooning me. The nerve! Then he proceeded to follow me around all day trying to give me head butts. Clearly this must stop. I do not want to hurt Georgie’s feelings but he must stop invading my personal space. I am going to meditate about the best way to handle this situation. ⁣ ⁣ I hope you all will have a fantastic night’s rest and you will be prepared for whatever crap Monday is likely to sling your way. Just remember, washing your hands and wearing face masks increases your energy...(okay, it doesn’t really but if it will get people to follow the guidelines, we’ll say it does). ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope this me Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope this message finds you well. To all of my American friends, I hope your Independence Day celebrations have been safe, with lots of face mask wearing and social distancing. ⁣ ⁣ Currently our neighbors are blowing crap up in their backyards. All of the vile beasts are freaked out and I am worn out from trying to tend to them. I’m certain Oliver the dog is going to need therapy after this. He is completely wrapped up in a quilt, shaking like a leaf. The woman is holding him but it doesn’t seem to be helping. For the life of me I will never understand why humans think setting off explosions is cool. I want them to stop it right now! It is time to simmer down out there and go to sleep! KNOCK IT OFF!⁣ ⁣ In other news, we had a rather quiet day. We did receive some sad news. Remember the other day I was telling you about our angry mailman? Well, apparently he lost a very important key while he was out delivering mail. He thinks he dropped it when he got out of his truck to throw...I mean, deliver a package. He said he will lose his job if he doesn’t find it. (I would love to know what the key is for...must be important). Now I feel sad for him. So I sent the woman out to comb through the yard to look for the key. I made her stay out there for two hours looking for it but she came back empty handed. Poor guy...⁣ ⁣ The woman and I watched Hamilton last night. She loved it. I particularly liked the fact that Mr Hamilton was a writer. Who knows, maybe Lin Manuel Miranda will write a musical about my life one day. ⁣ ⁣ I must go meditate to hopefully de-stress from all the bombs bursting in air. I hope you have a lovely evening. Please make sure you wash your hands, especially if you’ve been in areas that are very peopley. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I am proud to Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I am proud to proclaim the work week has come to an end! Let the celebration commence!⁣ ⁣ I must be honest...I’m very tired tonight. This week was exceptionally taxing. The woman has promised a cozy Fuzzy Sock Nite and we are going to watch Hamilton. In case you haven’t heard, a live performance of Hamilton was recorded and you can watch it today. It’s on Disney+.⁣ ⁣ In other news, I spent the day trying to prepare all the vile beasts for the inevitable backyard firework celebrations in my neighborhood. I’m dreading it. Why do humans like to blow stuff up? I just don’t get it. Georgie is already hiding. Elizabeth Taylor is pacing back and forth. The rest of the beasts are safely tucked away in their favorite hiding places. The only one oblivious to it all is Freddy Astaire Graves III. He’s deaf as a door nail and can’t hear any of it. The woman has set up Feliway diffusers in every room and she’s making sure everybody knows they are safe. I’ll be glad when all of this merry making is over. ⁣ ⁣ I’m not 100% certain but I believe this Feliway stuff is helping me find my zen for the evening. I feel completely chill without needing to do yoga! This is surely some good stuff. ⁣ ⁣ I hope you all have a safe evening. For goodness sake, please do not blow anything up in your backyard. It terrifies us animals and there are some combat veterans who really suffer with fireworks. Also, please make sure you have your face mask on if you go to any big firework displays. Oh, and don’t forget to practice social distancing and, of course, wash your dang hands!⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣⁣⁣⁣ Happy Dearest friends on the internet,⁣⁣⁣⁣ Happy Friday Eve! We have almost made it through another week! Hallelujah!⁣⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣⁣ Today was an extremely busy day. I worked diligently on this week’s newsletter and also my book. I made little progress due to interruptions from the vile beasts and the woman. Do they not understand that I have deadlines? They are so annoying. ⁣ ⁣⁣⁣⁣ I am quite perturbed with our mailman. I had finally gotten settled and the words were beginning to flow through my fingertips, when suddenly there was a loud bang at my front door. It scared the daylights out of the woman and all of the vile beasts went scurrying to their hidey-holes. I grabbed the phone and looked at our camera doorbell to see what it was. Just as I had suspected, it was our mailman! There’s no way to describe him other than to say he is very angry all the time. I had a few not-so-pleasant interactions with him when I was still on the streets. We couldn’t believe what we saw on the video. He got out of his truck, walked to the middle of our driveway, and threw a package to our front door. He didn’t even wait to see if it landed on the porch...just got back in his truck. What an absolutely vile individual.⁣⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣⁣ In other news, I have to be honest...the woman hurt my feelings today. She had prepared my breakfast and I was savoring every single bite when she said, “Gosh, Bob, you’re starting to get some junk in your trunk. You might need to cut back a little bit on your trips to the food dish.” I could not believe she would say such a mean thing to me. First of all, has she looked in the mirror lately? The quarantine has not been kind to her behind. Secondly, I’m a man and a man needs his nutrition to stay strong. And, finally, who says a little junk in the trunk is a bad thing?⁣ ⁣⁣⁣⁣ I am feeling a bit cranky tonight. I hope you all will stop what you’re doing right this minute and go wash your hands. Once that is done, I hope you have a peaceful evening with pleasant dreams of a world where coronavirus is dead and gone. ⁣⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣⁣ Very truly yours,⁣⁣⁣⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ Happy middle o Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ Happy middle of the week! We only have a few more days before we can celebrate the weekend!⁣ ⁣ I’m writing early today because the woman took Miss Elizabeth Taylor for her check-up with Dr Evan this morning. We were really nervous about what her bloodwork would show. Elizabeth seems to feel okay but there are days when she just will not eat. We are doing everything Dr Evan has told us to do but she’s still losing weight and her fur is falling out big time. ⁣ ⁣ I am happy to share that we received good news! Although Miss Elizabeth is still sick, she pretty much held her own over the past two weeks. None of her blood tests worsened and some of them slightly improved!!! The woman was so grateful that she almost cried when Dr Evan came out to the car to give her the results. He’s going to add in an appetite stimulant and keep everything else the same. ⁣ ⁣ I was a bit perturbed with the woman, however, because she did not ask Dr Evan if there was a medication we could give Elizabeth to decrease her extremely high hussiness level. In fact, the woman was laughing because Elizabeth’s behavior with Dr Evan today was nothing short of vile. Meowing, batting her eyes, flipping over and showing him her belly. And, if I’m being honest, I think she enjoys having her temperature taken. Despicable...simply despicable. I’m afraid this is now a chronic condition for her and there may simply be no treatment. ⁣ ⁣ I hope your day is going well and you are showing Wednesday that you are the boss. If you’re having a rough day, they’re is still time to straighten up and fly right. Whatever you do today, please ensure you are washing your hands, wearing a face mask and staying at least 6’ away from people. Humans are vile...why would you want to get any closer than 6’ anyway? Do what is right and make sure you’re doing your part to help stop this disgusting virus. Please don’t make me have to tell you this again. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣⁣ I trust tod Dearest friends on the internet,⁣⁣ I trust today was good to you. All is well here. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I did a lot of meditating and Gregorian chanting last night. It really helped me get clear about my feelings. I was able to come to several realizations. In all honesty, I’ve been feeling neglected and ignored by the woman. I know she’s very busy, but she just assumes I will take care of everything in this house. I rarely get fuzzy sock nites anymore and don’t get me started on the bathroom vanity situation. She is as determined to keep me out of it as I am to get into it. We are simply not communicating and we definitely are not on the same page.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Sometimes when you feel you’re not being heard, you must take massive action to get the attention of the one you love. So, this morning I did just that. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I waited until I heard the woman preparing to take her shower. I then went rushing into the bathroom as fast as my feet would carry me and let out a very loud and authoritative MEOW. The woman couldn’t help but stop and look at me. I leapt onto the countertop and into the sink. Let’s just say I then did some very impressive and exceptionally manly “out-of-the-box-thinking” directly in the sink....all while making direct eye contact with the woman. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ It was as though time stood still as we locked eyes and I telepathically communicated that she must get back on track with me. I am happy to report that we are well on our way back to being on the same page. Once she understood my feelings, there was nothing but kisses and belly rubs all day...just as it should be. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ The moral of the story is when you are feeling sad and blue, take massive action and think-outside-of-the-box! And also remember, bathroom vanity sinks make excellent litter boxes. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I hope you all have a peaceful evening and prepare for tomorrow. I watched Dr Fauci today and must admit that we are in a dire situation here in the US. I am begging each of you to wash your hands, wear a face mask and stay at least 6’ away from others. Please don’t give me any sass. Just wash your dang hands and cover your face. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I believe a ce Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I believe a celebration is in order because we made it through this vile day! I’m sure the day could’ve been worse, but I’m happy to kick Monday’s sorry behind out the door. ⁣ ⁣ Last week I mentioned Miss Elsie Fallulah Graves. Quite a few of you said you had never heard me talk about her before. Miss Elsie is our grande dame. She will be 17 in two weeks. The woman rescued her when she was only 5 days old. Some looney tune had trapped Elsie’s mama cat when she was out hunting for food. They took her away and dumped her because “she was killing birds in my yard”. (Idiot.) The next day, they heard Elsie screaming in the bushes because she was cold and hungry. At least these people had enough sense to call the vet to ask them what to do. This was the woman’s vet at the time. He called her and asked if she’d go pick the kitten up. The woman had to resist the urge to let the crazy person have it. Thankfully she did not. She picked up baby Elsie and, well, the rest is history. She was the spitting image of the woman’s first cat, Miss Lucy. And now, well, Miss Elsie is in her golden years. But don’t let that fool you. She still opens up cans of whoop ass faster than anyone I know. That’s why I refer to as “ma’am” and stay out of her way. She freaks me out. ⁣ ⁣ In other news, Miss Elizabeth Taylor ate a little bit better today but she’s still way off. The woman talked with Dr Evan and they agreed to do bloodwork on Wednesday and decide what to do after that. I surely would appreciate it if you’d keep her in your prayers. She’s 100% pure hussy but she’s our hussy and I don’t want her to be sick. ⁣ ⁣ I feel the need to spend the rest of the evening meditating and possibly doing a Gregorian chant or two. I hope you will find something to do this evening to unwind. But, before you do anything, you know the drill...please go wash your cootie-covered hands. Coronavirus does not take a day off. Wash your hands and wear a mask...and do not give me any back talk. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
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