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I am Bob. I am in a constant state of disgust. My house is filled with stupid cats….and a hedgehog.

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May 20, 2017May 20, 2017 Bob

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Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ Well, our Sund Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ Well, our Sunday is coming to a close and vile Monday will be knocking on the door soon. If I’m being honest, I have to tell you that I don’t mind Monday’s as much since we are quarantined. All the days really feel the same now that the woman is here every day. But, nevertheless, Monday is still Monday. A leopard cannot change his spots. ⁣ ⁣ Miss Elizabeth Taylor has truly been getting on my nerves. She is working the fact that she has a UTI/piss ants for everything it’s worth. Demanding that the woman bring her breakfast in bed, creating drama around taking her medicine and pitching a holy fit when the woman was giving her fluids. Then, after acting like she was starring in The Exorcist, she became a pitiful, meek little kitten. And the worst part was that the woman fell for it. She irritates me to no end because it’s all a ploy for attention. I heard her ask the woman if Dr Evan had called to check on her. Vile heifer. She is nothing more than a shameless tart. ⁣ ⁣ In other news, the woman nearly electrocuted herself while trying to replace a light fixture in the master bathroom. What on earth was she thinking? Does she not understand she has our only pair of thumbs in the house? How would we open cans of wet food if she offs herself? I mean, seriously...she is incredibly self-centered and irresponsible. I suppose she places a higher priority on having lights in the bathroom than on feeding me...I mean us. ⁣ ⁣ I must get back to working on my book and time blocking my calendar for the week. I have so much to be done this week. I just hope the woman will not be too clingy since I am stuck with her in my house 24/7. Please please please stay in your home unless you are an essential employee for your work. They are saying this week has the potential to be deadly here in the US. Stay home if you can and please wear a mask and gloves if you have to go out. And, Lord have mercy, please wash wash your hands!⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ Well, here we Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ Well, here we go again. Yesterday the woman noticed that Miss Elizabeth Taylor seemed to be “off”. Her diabetes has been all over the place the last few weeks and the woman was convinced she had lost a lot of weight. She spoke with Dr Evan about it and they agreed that she would bring Elizabeth in today. You have never heard such crying, whining and dramatics before. She screamed and fussed the entire time she was in the carrier. But, of course, once she saw Dr Evan, she became a furry, purry tart. While Dr Evan is indeed nice, Elizabeth loves any and all boys, regardless of species. She is such a hussy. I hope Dr Evan didn’t fall for it. ⁣ ⁣ Comes to find out, Elizabeth has piss ants... aka a urinary tract infection. I do not understand why my house is infested with, first, honeybees and now piss ants. It’s vile and a huge distraction away from my very important writing. Plus, the woman is not focused on my needs...she’s too busy dealing with it all. ⁣ ⁣ I just need the bees, piss ants and all other non-essential vile beasts to leave pronto. Nothing is more important than my writing and I must eliminate everything that is getting in the way of my becoming a NYT Best Selling author. ⁣ ⁣ I hope your day is going well and you are safe and healthy wherever you are in the world. Also, I want to thank everyone at Wellesley Animal Hospital for staying open during this awful pandemic to make sure all of us little ones stay healthy...and also a big shout-out to Dr Evan for talking the woman off the ledge yet again...and for dealing with a hussy like Elizabeth Taylor. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ Happy Friday! Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ Happy Friday! What a ridiculous week this has been. The woman has been in the house every single day being clingy, honeybees have moved into my walls and the neighbors have yet another construction crew banging and clanging on something else around their house. I have not been able to get a minute of peace this entire week!⁣ ⁣ As many of you are aware, Georgie Porgie Puddinandpie became sick a month or so ago. One of the problems was an infection in his ear. He has a compromised immune system and when an infection moves in, look out. I’ve been closely monitoring his ears to ensure no cooties move back in. To my dismay, his ears were vile when I examined them this morning. I alerted the woman and she quickly cleaned them out. I think possibly Georgie needs a refresher course on ear hygiene and the appropriate way to wash. I made a very brief but incredibly effective ear cleaning tutorial for him. I wanted to share with each of you in the event your ears were feeling itchy and disgusting. I also sang a short purry song to make the video more entertaining. ⁣ ⁣ In other news, Harry Connick Junior Graves III barfed inside one of the woman’s fancy shoes. I tried to get him to clean it up but he refused, saying “that’s what the hired help is for...” What he fails to recognize is that the hired help is the woman. She is on edge right now given everything going on with Coronavirus. The last thing we need is her freaking out with worry that something is wrong with Harry. I must go thunder paw him upside the head to get him to clean up his mess. ⁣ ⁣ I hope you all are healthy, safe and for the love of all that is good and holy, please make sure you are washing your hands. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest Sammy & Miss Holly Berry,⁣ It has come t Dearest Sammy & Miss Holly Berry,⁣ It has come to my attention that you have ramped up your level of vileness to an unprecedented level. Constantly rolling around in the floor together, washing each other’s faces non-stop and sleeping jointly in a small cat bed together in public for everyone to see are just a few of the complaints I have...uhm, I mean the other vile beasts have made about you. ⁣ ⁣ Clearly you do not care about what others think about letting your freak flags fly. However, I have a house to run with rules and guidelines. Therefore, if you must continue your disgusting vile actions, I would ask that you please GET A ROOM. Nobody has time for this nonsense! We are in the middle of a global pandemic, for crying out loud. Your peace, love and rock and roll attitude are not appreciated. ⁣ ⁣ Please straighten up and fly right!⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ We have made i Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ We have made it to the middle of the week. Hallelujah! Although, it could be any day of the week and I wouldn’t be able to tell. They all seem to be running together since the quarantine. ⁣ ⁣ I know it has been such a difficult time and you, my dear friends, have been so good to the woman and I that I wanted to give you a token of my appreciation. I asked the woman to take some boudoir photos of me to share with you all. I know this is highly unlike me, but there is no sacrifice I wouldn’t do for my friends. I’d like you to particularly notice the sexy leg and the squinty eyes. ⁣ ⁣ My hope is that when you begin to feel stress and anxiety creeping in, you will look at this photo and it will bring you peace and calm. I mean, who needs meditation when you have a centerfold pic of Bob, right?⁣ ⁣ Please stay safe, healthy and for crying out loud go wash your hands. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope this me Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope this message finds you healthy and safe. All is well here at my house. I have been working on my book to get my mind off of everything. ⁣ ⁣ As an update to yesterday’s post...the exterminator came to our house today. I told the woman that he cannot come inside the house...we are social distancing and we don’t know who he is or what kind of cooties he may have. He can keep his bug cooties to himself, thank you very much. ⁣ ⁣ The woman showed him where the bees were swarming yesterday (they are not swarming today). Also, she showed him the 4 bees that had gotten into the house (may they rest in bee peace). He took one look and said “ma’am, those are honeybees. You’ve got yourself a honeybee nest in your wall. I cannot legally use any pesticide on them. You need to call a wildlife expert to remove them.” Of course she needs an expert because nothing easy can ever go on in my house. ⁣ ⁣ Why am I surprised that bees decided to make my home their home? The woman has rescued opossums, raccoons, squirrels, mallards, cats (of course!) and dogs on our property. Now we can add honeybees to the list. In all honesty, she was devastated that she killed 4 of them yesterday when they got in the house. She thought they were yellow jackets...which are nothing more than jerks with wings. But the woman loves honeybees...of course she does...what animal does she not love? How much do you want to bet she will want to keep these interlopers as pets???⁣ ⁣ She called the wildlife expert and is waiting on him to call her back. We need a plan for next steps before we can relax. ⁣ ⁣ I started to get very aggravated and stressed. The vile beasts have been acting up all day. Miss Elsie Fallulah opened up a can of whoop ass on Miss Holly Berry. Buddy Holly Graves III knocked over the upstairs water bowl and made a gigantic mess and Frankie Sinatra Graves III crapped his pants...again. All of this was before 10:00 am. Then the exterminator came and gave us the bee news. It was all too much so I retreated to my office to meditate. Then I realized...people are dying, have lost their income and who are alone throughout this pandemic. The woman and I
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ Happy Mond Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ ⁣ Happy Monday. I am exceptionally disgusted today. The woman came in from being out in the yard with a horrified look on her face. She had discovered a bajillion wasps swarming around one of the eaves of our house. It appeared there was a tiny hole and they were going inside of it and, thus, inside the house. We checked the master bathroom and, sure enough, we discovered about 25 of them inside. The woman quickly booted me out of the room and closed the door. She used some vile smelling spray to get rid of the ones flying around. ⁣ ⁣ She called an exterminator who is going to come by tomorrow. He said if they are indeed wasps, there won’t be anything he can do until they build a nest. WHAT??? ⁣ ⁣ First of all, who invited them into the house? Secondly, I’d like to know why every vile beast in the world comes to my house to find a home? I’ve got enough on my hands dealing with the feline vile beasts. Now I have to add buzzing beasts with wings who can bite me? I think not!!! If the exterminator comes tomorrow and says there’s nothing he can do until they build a nest, the I will have a conversation with whichever one of those freeloading creeps is in charge. This is not acceptable! ⁣ ⁣ See, I told you Mondays are no good. I should never have gotten out of bed...I mean, uhm, come out of my office today. I hope your day is going better than mine. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope this me Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope this message finds you well. I, unfortunately, have a very serious concern to discuss with you today. ⁣ ⁣ The woman is truly getting on my nerves. She is forever picking me up, squeezing my tush (the nerve!) and kissing me. I realize there was a time in my life where no one loved me. I’m thankful but, there is a time and place for everything. I’ve got very important work to do. She doesn’t seem to be capable of understanding that my dang book will not write itself. ⁣ ⁣ I’m afraid I’m going to have to institute a social distancing policy to be followed inside my house in order to get anything done. It is sad it has come to this but one of us has to be the responsible one. She simply cannot resist my tush...which is understandable but she must develop some self-control. ⁣ ⁣ I would be interested to know how you are managing the quarantine. Is your significant other climbing all over your last nerve and, if so, how are you managing it?⁣ ⁣ I must go set my intentions for the week ahead and prepare for the arrival of the most worthless, no-good day of the week...Monday. ⁣ ⁣ Please go wash your hands and for the one millionth time...stop touching your face. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope the sun Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope the sun is shining wherever you are and you are safely tucked away in your own homes and yards. ⁣ ⁣ I’m exhausted this afternoon...literally worn out. I had to once again fuss at the woman to clean up my yard. I didn’t even ask her to do the back...just the front that people can see. I’m sure the neighbors are all talking about how awful my yard looks and I’m so embarrassed. She hemmed and hawed for most of the morning. Once I finally shamed her to getting started, I had to supervise her every move. She kept sitting down to check her email or Facebook or Instagram. I have never in my life met someone with such a very limited attention span. She has no focus on getting things done. If it weren’t for my oversight, our yard would be a jungle. ⁣ ⁣ Alas, the job is now complete for this week. Now that it’s springtime, I will have a weekly struggle to get her to complete her tasks. Although I do not want to, I may have to resort to withholding my purrs every week until the yard is clean. Sometimes you have to use whatever leverage you have. ⁣ ⁣ In other breaking news, in light of the global shortage of toilet paper, I’m evaluating the possibility of launching my own brand of that sorely needed commodity. The name of my product would be “Bob’s Ultra Strong...when you need to wipe, Bob’s got you covered!” I’m currently evaluating the financials and hope to make a decision soon. I will certainly keep you posted. I’m certain I could do a better job of distributing these little rolls of gold than the competition is currently doing. ⁣ ⁣ Ok, I must get back to working on my book. Please make sure you wash your hands and, for Pete’s sake, stop touching your face. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest Friday,⁣ I have never been so happy to s Dearest Friday,⁣ I have never been so happy to see you, my friend. You have never ever let us down in bringing happiness, laughter and joy. But I’m afraid you are going to have a tough time in getting people to smile this week, Friday. ⁣ ⁣ You see, all the days are running together. For all we know, you could be Tuesday or Thursday or even that good-for-nothing Monday. We are all so tired from sadness and fear that we don’t even know what day it is. ⁣ ⁣ So many people have died all around the world. Doctors and nurses are getting sick, too. They don’t have even the most basic things they need to protect themselves from this vile virus. ⁣ ⁣ So Friday, we need you to bring all you’ve got today to give people hope and joy. I know it’s a lot to ask, but please try your hardest to help everyone see joy in even the smallest things. The woman got super excited because she planted some carrots by seed and she noticed this morning that they are starting to sprout! Of course I would’ve been more impressed had she planted catnip, but I digress. At least she noticed that one little thing. ⁣ ⁣ I’m going to stay heads down in my office and continue working on my book until all of this is over...or until it’s time for my fresh salmon, smashed potatoes with real butter and green beans...whichever comes first. ⁣ ⁣ Friday, please do a good job today so you can hold your place in our hearts as our favorite day. No pressure. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
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