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All.Things.Bob.

I am Bob. I am in a constant state of disgust. My house is filled with stupid cats….and a hedgehog.

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Tag: Family

May 23, 2017May 23, 2017 Bob

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Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I am happy to Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I am happy to report we have another day behind us. It was a particularly vile day so I’m glad it’s packing up it’s bags and hitting the road. All is well here and I am feeling much better today!⁣ ⁣ I must be honest...I got a little bit excited because the woman dressed to leave the house today. I was so hopeful to rid myself of her...I mean...hopeful she could get out and see something other than my house. But all hopes were dashed when she came back after only 25 minutes. She had only gone to Target to do a curbside pickup for cat litter. At least I had a 25 minute breather...I mean, she was able to get out for a little while. ⁣ ⁣ I worked on my book today but only after having a most stressful conversation with Freddy Astaire Graves III. Freddy is one of the senior beasts in my house. He is stone deaf and...well...I’m beginning to think he may have dementia. My conversation with him was frustrating because he could not hear me nor could his brain compute what I was trying ask him. ⁣ ⁣ Me: Freddy, why are you pooing outside of the box?⁣ ⁣ Freddy: Why am I dancing on rocks? I haven’t danced on rocks in years! The last time was in 2007. ⁣ ⁣ Me: POOING, Freddy, POOING!⁣ ⁣ Freddy: Chewing?⁣ ⁣ I’m afraid Freddy is a lost cause. ⁣ ⁣ The woman has assured me that tonight will be a fuzzy sock night. We are going to watch a movie and there will be belly rubs involved. I hope you all will have a spectacular evening. Please be sure to wash your hands...it’s a known fact that Corona cooties will give you bad dreams...(ok...I just made that up but work with me here). And be sure to get your face mask ready for tomorrow. You could save someone’s life by wearing one. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope this me Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope this message finds you happy and feeling like a million bucks. ⁣ ⁣ I must be honest...I personally am feeling like a steaming pile of poo. I worked very hard all night to present the woman with the most SPECTACULAR furball she said she has ever seen. I feel quite poorly. The woman promised I will feel better tomorrow. I’m going to hold her to that promise because I’ve got much work to do this coming week. ⁣ ⁣ In other news, while the woman has been giving me kisses and belly rubs all day, the vile beasts could not care less that I’m sick. After I walked away from my breakfast because the smell of it made me queasy, Miss Elizabeth Taylor asked me “are you going to eat that because if you aren’t, I want it...”. And then she snarfed down my entire plate of breakfast. They are all heartless and vile to the core. ⁣ ⁣ I hope you have all started the process of preparing yourself for the arrival of Monday. It will be knocking on your door very soon. Gird your loins now because it promises to be a doozy of a week. ⁣ ⁣ One thing I need every single one of you to do is to go wash your hands. And, while you’re at it, please wash out your face mask to make sure it’s cootie free. Please do not give me any back talk about it, either. I do not feel well and I’m not afraid to open up a few cans of whoopass. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I trust this m Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I trust this message finds you happy and healthy. All is well at my house today. ⁣ ⁣ I am exceptionally aggravated at the moment. I had written the perfect post when all of a sudden *poof* it disappeared. I do not know if I’ll be able to recreate the masterpiece I had written. I will do my best. ⁣ ⁣ I tried very hard to spend every minute working on my book today. However, I was met with disruption after disruption. The biggest disruptor was Georgie P Puddinandpie. Today as I was working on my book, he walked up to me and put his forehead against mine. He didn’t move a muscle. Just stood there with his head pressed up against mine. It was all kinds of awkward. I try to be very patient with Georgie because he is elderly but this was just flat out weird. One night last week I allowed him to sleep next to me because he was afraid. Ever since then he has been exceptionally clingy. I understand that he needs a little help every once in a while, but I’ve got a book to write! I just do not know how to handle this one because he’s not taking subtle hints. ⁣ ⁣ In other news, I think I’m ready for the woman to leave the house. She has literally been here since mid-March...every day...all day. The only place she goes is to the vet’s office to pick up food and meds for the vile beasts. It’s time for her to leave me alone...I mean get out of the house to enlighten her spirit and frame of mind. I love her but I need a vacation from her. ⁣ ⁣ I’m all kinds of irritated tonight because I cannot remember everything I had written the first time before Facebook and IG vaporized my words. I just had a scary thought...do you think it could’ve been aliens trying to silence me? Crap...something else to worry about!⁣ ⁣ The woman and I are going to rewatch Hamilton and there will probably be fuzzy socks and belly rubs. I hope you all get plenty of rest and relaxation. Also, as you prepare for tomorrow, here’s a tip: Cooties can make you have bad dreams so...wash your dang hands!⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours, ⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ We made it! F Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ We made it! Friday has come and it is now time to get your freak on! I hope all is well with you. Everything is just fine here at Chez Bob. ⁣ ⁣ This has been what felt like the longest day ever. I did not think 5:00 pm would ever get here. I have dealt with one issue after another today. First, right after breakfast, the woman could not keep her hands off of me. It was almost embarrassing. Secondly, Miss Elizabeth Taylor has once again started parading around the house sticking her behind in everyone’s face. As if anyone wants to see THAT! She kept prancing in and out of my office singing “Brick House”. And, finally, Harry Connick Junior Graves III somehow managed to jump onto the fireplace mantle and knocked off a glass vase onto the hearth. It shattered into a million pieces. Let’s just say the woman was a tad bit disgusted about that one. It was a ridiculous day and I’m thrilled it is over. ⁣ ⁣ In other news...if you recall I told you about our mailman (the one with anger issues) being in deep trouble. He lost a super important top secret key and was going to lose his job if he couldn’t find it. Someone in the neighborhood found it so we will continue having our packages thrown onto our porches and mail put in the wrong boxes. ⁣ ⁣ I think I will go get a snack and then settle down for a nice fuzzy sock nite with the woman. I’m worn out and could use some belly rubs. I hope each of you will make a beeline to the bathroom sink to decootify your hands. Then, and only then, can you relax and enjoy a nice Friday night. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ Happy Friday E Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ Happy Friday Eve!!! We are on the home front, my friends! All is well here. ⁣ ⁣ I must be honest...I’m worn out. I tried so hard to work on my book today but every five minutes the woman would come into my office to kiss me, squeeze me, or pick me up for a quick dance. It was non-stop. I don’t think people understand how taxing it is to be loved so much. Please know I’m not complaining...it’s a great problem to have...but the woman needs to learn to control herself. I need to get my book done!⁣ ⁣ I witnessed something last night that I simply could not believe. Miss Elsie Fallulah will be 17 years old next week. You would think she would conduct herself like the mature and sophisticated woman that she is. She has kidney disease and gets fluids a few times a week. Miss Elsie loves to get fluids. She purrs and drools the entire time. Well, after she got fluids yesterday a switch flipped in her brain. She thought she was a kitten. She went tearing through the house screaming at the top of her lungs “My birthday is next week!!! I’m a sassy broad!”...I was speechless. I’ve never seen Miss Elsie conduct herself in such a vile manner. I’m starting to wonder if the woman slipped her some recreational nip. I’m going to keep my eye on her...I’m not going to do anything about it if she continues this vile behavior because she freaks me out. I try to keep my distance and give her wide berth. But, I’m still going to watch her just to make sure she’s not totally losing it. ⁣ ⁣ I’m going to retire to my office to meditate and then hopefully go to sleep early tonight. Now you know what I’m about to say...please go wash your hands, wear a mask when you leave your home, and for Pete’s sake stay at least 6’ away from other humans. Humans are vile and covered in cooties. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣⁣⁣ I hope y Dearest friends on the internet,⁣⁣⁣ I hope you all are having a middle of the week celebration! All is well here. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I worked the entire day on my book and spent the biggest part of my time going down memory lane. I’m in the chapter where I tell about meeting the woman. This pic is the first one she ever took of me inside the house. I was so cold. It was close to 0 degrees the morning she rescued me. I had been outside all night without shelter. After she found me, she took me to the vet to make sure I was okay. We didn’t even go into the house...she put me in a carrier and into the car. I had only been to the vet one other time in my entire life before that trip. You’ll find out all about that in my book. But after we left the vet she set up the heated bed with a big fuzzy blanket in the kitchen. She shut the door so the vile beasts could not come in to bother me. I will be honest...I was scared. I wasn’t sure about her yet. I wouldn’t even look at her. I was afraid she would be mean like the people I had lived with before. And I guess, as they say, the rest is history. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ In other news, I’m afraid I will need to have a word with Buddy Holly Graves III. This morning the woman had folded clothes she had just pulled out of the dryer. Being the procrastinator that she is, she left them sitting in the clothes basket so she could put them away the next trip she made upstairs. She had sit down to work on her laptop in the living room for a bit. For some reason, Buddy Holly fished a single sock out of the clothes basket, carried it in his mouth, and dunked it in the water dish. Then he proceeded to baptize it over and over again. He began to talk to it and fuss at it. The woman heard him making weird noises and came running. Buddy had flung water all over the kitchen floor. When I asked him what had possessed him to do such a vile thing he responded, “The devil,” and then he sauntered away. I’m going to keep an eye on that boy. I’m afraid he’s not quite right. ⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ I hope you all have a lovely evening. Please make sure to wash your hands a lot, wear your face mask, a stay at least 6’ away from other humans. They are vile. ⁣ ⁣ ⁣Very truly yours,⁣⁣⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ Another day is Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ Another day is now behind us. I am happy to report all is well at my house and I hope the same for you. ⁣ ⁣ I spent another day working on my book. Some of you messaged me saying you weren’t sure if I was just teasing or if there really is a book. I promise with all of my heart there is a real book. I am working very hard to release it by the end of the summer, maybe sooner if I can get these blasted vile beasts to leave me alone so I can focus on my work. Like I said last night, writing takes a lot out of a person. I promise I’m working as fast as my paws can type. ⁣ ⁣ In other news, I am a bit disgusted with the woman as I have come to the realization that she is not quite right. Every time I walk by her she is compelled to squeeze my tush. It is absurd that she should think it’s okay to exhibit such barbaric behavior. I confronted her about it and she said, “Bob, you are just so adorable that I cannot resist.” I can understand the adorable part but it is not acceptable for her to treat me like a play toy. I told her we would need to set some boundaries. I do not think she appreciated my sternness but she must learn to control herself. ⁣ ⁣ I must go for now because I need to finish the chapter in my book I’ve been working on today. I hope you all rest well and are prepared to teach Wednesday a thing or two. Please make sure your face mask is freshly laundered and ready to go with you in the morning and you scrub your hands clean every chance you get. It is critically important for you to de-cootify yourself frequently throughout the day. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I trust this m Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I trust this message finds you safe and happy. All is well in my house today. ⁣ ⁣ I found myself to be very busy throughout the entire day today. I was able to get quite a bit done on my book. I must be honest...some parts of it make me very sad. The chapter I’m working on now is about my mother cat. It takes a lot out of me to have to rehash my story. I’m fairly wiped out and sad tonight. I hope you all will like my book when it’s released. I’ve been working very hard. ⁣ ⁣ In other news, Miss Elizabeth Taylor continues to get on my very last nerve. She is still getting chemo medication and an appetite stimulant. She is eating us out of house and home. And, what’s worse is that woman applauds it. If she wanted to eat 10 cans of food at one time, the woman would run and fix it for her. But if I ask for just a bite the response is “Bob, leave Miss Elizabeth’s food alone!” I do not appreciate this at all. It is simply not right. And, probably the worst part of it is that Elizabeth is working this whole “I’m sick” thing for all it’s worth. She’ll walk up to the woman and give her a pitiful look. The woman will pick her up and start loving on her. (Gag me!) Elizabeth will look over the woman’s shoulder and stick her tongue out at me. Spoiled heifer. ⁣ ⁣ In other news, the woman spent far too much time working in her little garden today. She’s so excited that the cucumbers are blooming. She has turned into a bonafide recluse as a result of the quarantine. It is sad. It’s such a good thing she has me as her soulmate. I don’t know of too many men who would put up with her quirkiness. ⁣ ⁣ I’m still very worried about the spread of the coronavirus. The sad thing is that there’s still so much we don’t know about this vile beast. That’s why it is so important that you protect yourself and others. Now get up right now and wash your hands. And for crying out loud, wear a dang mask when you go out. It’s the right thing to do. ⁣ ⁣ I am going do some yoga and then meditate for a while. It is time to kick Monday and all of its crap out the door. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope this me Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope this message finds you well. All is well here. ⁣ ⁣ I am quite disgusted at the moment. I would like to know who allowed the weekend to pass so very quickly. In just a few short hours, Monday will be slinking back into all of our lives. It’s simply ridiculous!⁣ ⁣ I am happy to report that all is quiet on the home front here. Normally fireworks gone for a solid week in my neighborhood but as of this moment, nobody is blowing stuff up. ⁣ ⁣ In other news, I am concerned that I may have created a monster. Last night poor Georgie P Puddinandpie was terrified because of the fireworks. He asked if he could sleep next to me. Because he is elderly, I agreed. When I woke up this morning, he was full on spooning me. The nerve! Then he proceeded to follow me around all day trying to give me head butts. Clearly this must stop. I do not want to hurt Georgie’s feelings but he must stop invading my personal space. I am going to meditate about the best way to handle this situation. ⁣ ⁣ I hope you all will have a fantastic night’s rest and you will be prepared for whatever crap Monday is likely to sling your way. Just remember, washing your hands and wearing face masks increases your energy...(okay, it doesn’t really but if it will get people to follow the guidelines, we’ll say it does). ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope this me Dearest friends on the internet,⁣ I hope this message finds you well. To all of my American friends, I hope your Independence Day celebrations have been safe, with lots of face mask wearing and social distancing. ⁣ ⁣ Currently our neighbors are blowing crap up in their backyards. All of the vile beasts are freaked out and I am worn out from trying to tend to them. I’m certain Oliver the dog is going to need therapy after this. He is completely wrapped up in a quilt, shaking like a leaf. The woman is holding him but it doesn’t seem to be helping. For the life of me I will never understand why humans think setting off explosions is cool. I want them to stop it right now! It is time to simmer down out there and go to sleep! KNOCK IT OFF!⁣ ⁣ In other news, we had a rather quiet day. We did receive some sad news. Remember the other day I was telling you about our angry mailman? Well, apparently he lost a very important key while he was out delivering mail. He thinks he dropped it when he got out of his truck to throw...I mean, deliver a package. He said he will lose his job if he doesn’t find it. (I would love to know what the key is for...must be important). Now I feel sad for him. So I sent the woman out to comb through the yard to look for the key. I made her stay out there for two hours looking for it but she came back empty handed. Poor guy...⁣ ⁣ The woman and I watched Hamilton last night. She loved it. I particularly liked the fact that Mr Hamilton was a writer. Who knows, maybe Lin Manuel Miranda will write a musical about my life one day. ⁣ ⁣ I must go meditate to hopefully de-stress from all the bombs bursting in air. I hope you have a lovely evening. Please make sure you wash your hands, especially if you’ve been in areas that are very peopley. ⁣ ⁣ Very truly yours,⁣ Bob
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